A Saint In The Making...

The lyrics mean something to me. Love this.

2012-02-11T00:42:00.000+08:00

The Religion of Love

2012-02-11T00:25:00.000+08:00

I’ve been pondering about the differences between religions and how is Jesus the one true God for some time now. To be really honest it’s been months. I was skeptical about many things initially and a lot of things didn’t make sense to me and even at one point; my own faith. But now I know better. So here’s sharing with you some of the things I’ve learned.

In Matthew 25:31-46, Jesus speaks about the last judgment. I came across this verse and the commentary in the bible by chance and I was just blown away because it answered every question I had and reinforced some of the things I already knew deep down in my heart. So thank You Jesus. =)

Here goes..

Something a friend said to me not too long ago was, “Our God is a Jealous God.” Meaning Jesus is saying, “there is no other God besides me.” So Jesus really is the only, one and true God and I realize when it comes to this God wants us to leave no room for doubt.

However, just because someone isn’t a Christian doesn’t make him doomed to go to hell and be condemned for all eternity. Regardless of your religion, Jesus makes no distinctions when he comes to judge as King of all the nations. Our God is compassionate and He speaks the language of love. I came to this realization when a friend shared with me about how in her sickness she saw a bright light come to her in the middle of the night and in the morning her health improved. She’s not a Christian. It made realize about how also, Jesus doesn’t take credit sometimes for the good He does and how that good deed goes unnoticed. He’s just happy we’re happy and I call that true humility from a loving God. He envelopes the whole world.

“All those who without knowing Christ, have shared in the common destiny of humankind will be judged by Him. In fact, He never abandoned them, placed at their side ‘those little ones who are his brothers and sisters,’ as His representatives.”

We are that brothers and sisters.

God is love and those who love have God within them regardless of religion. When Jesus comes back to judge all the nations, He judges based on whether we’ve loved much and lived for the kingdom of God.

“The kingdom of God is presented to them in its only law: Love.”

God sees the heart and those who seek Him, find Him.

However there are those who “condemn themselves by closing and freezing their hearts so that they are incapable of love: now the splendor of God, who is love, burns and pains them.”

The 2^nd thing I’ve learned is this; to see Jesus in each person I meet. “Whenever you did this to these little ones who are my brothers and sisters, you did it to me.” (v.40) Jesus speaks of looking after our neighbor which reminds me of Mother Theresa.

A Christian friend related a story to me about how, he had a friend who was not Christian but is prayerful and every time he prayed the ashes from the joy stick would fall and fill the altar. My friend being particular about cleanliness would help to clean his altar for him. I know this might not mean much but it helped shed some light to me because for me I am particular about not touching “anything holy that is not Christian or even stepping into a temple or a place of worship that is not church” but this made me realize I was wrong. Because from everything I’ve ever experienced in my life especially lately I understand now what it meant when Jesus said, ‘’you did it to me.” And I realize it’s more important to BE Christian than to act Christian. Love your neighbor for who he is, don’t discriminate him because of his religion.

“One who really loves, acknowledges his sisters and brothers without giving too much importance to any labels; it is the person who exists and lives for God.”

We’re all brothers and sisters.

“What the world needs above all is not bread and water and clothing, but the truth and the hope that God entrusted to His chosen people.”

It’s not all about fulfilling “Your Christian duties”. There is more to it.

I also realize that you shouldn’t be afraid of stepping into a temple or any place of worship for that matter or touching anything consecrated, holy or ‘unclean’ (at the same time I’m not saying you should) because in Psalm 91 it says, “I will protect those who know my name.” We being children of God are protected by Him especially since we receive Him in the Holy Eucharist where He is truly present and living in us.

And last but not least, “He takes as done to Himself all that we do to our brothers and sisters but does not want to be confused with them.”

OK, so that’s pretty much all I’ve learned. If I’ve said anything wrong. Please correct me.

GBU. =D

Made this video! Check it out! =)

2012-02-02T11:06:00.000+08:00

In my hurting I asked God if He was still with me. He said, "I never left." ♥

2012-01-28T22:09:00.002+08:00

Eternity

2012-01-26T23:16:00.000+08:00

Feels like everything's changing

Time is on the go and I can't stop it

I replay memories in my head

I wish I could relive them all over again sometimes.

Everything around me is moving

It doesn't feel real sometimes

I wish time would stop

Then maybe finally, everything would seem real to me.

I watch the people I love grow older

I see the world as it age and change

So frail; I wish I could stop it

So that we could live in a moment that would last forever.

Memories fade with time

All life eventually slips away

There is no certainty in this world

No hope without You.

But you promised an eternity with You

An eternity where moments last forever

Where everything lost will be found

A moment with You is better than a lifetime without You.

I yearn for my dwelling place with You

Where I can finally rest assured in You

No moment spent with You is ever lost

I could spend a lifetime with You

Because being with You is all my soul ever needs.

"We according to His promise, look for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells." -2 Peter 3:13

"My promises are not empty words, nor will they deceive those who trust in Me. What I have promised, I will give. What I have said, I will do, if only you will continue to be loyal to the end." -Jesus

2012-01-06T23:02:00.000+08:00

Where The Love Lasts Forever

2012-01-03T10:33:00.000+08:00

Faithfulness

2012-01-03T08:49:00.000+08:00

I was just thinking last night and I thought of me giving away my precious books to my younger 6 year old cousin and asking her to take really good care of it because my parents gave them to me to read as a kid her age and I loved my books even if it pained me a little to give it to her but then I realized as much as I loved my books for its sentimental value, my cousin needed it more and seeing that I won’t exactly be using it anymore I gave it to her knowing that I will always treasure those stories in my heart. It’s almost as if I knew she could tear the pages or whatever but I trust her not to and in the same way I think that’s how God the Father trusted us with His son, Jesus.

But just then, the thought also occurred to me that God the Father LOVED Jesus but He GAVE Jesus to us to die because we NEEDED Him more and that love with which He had for Jesus He has for us. Meaning that if it’s necessary God will use us or even just one person from among us to die or sacrifice His life for the greater good but God wouldn’t use us without our consent in the same way that Jesus Himself WILLINGLY gave up His life to die for us. So Jesus was not the only one that made the sacrifice of dying on the cross, God the Father made a sacrifice too because He had to give the Son He loved so much away and if you've ever loved somebody, you must know how hard it is to let him or her go and especially to watch the person you love suffer and die must have broken not only His heart but Mother Mary’s too.

Mother Mary to my opinion had the best faith in God. To have faith means to be faithful too and I think Mother Mary lived that best all her life and even through all the uncertainties she must have faced in midst of her only son dying and not knowing what it all really meant at that time. Faith is the assurance that everything’s gonna be ok no matter what and you just have this expectant hope and trust that God will take care of you and everything else no matter what even if you don’t know in what shape or form that help is going to come in. It’s being absolutely positive that God’s gonna save you so don’t worry be happy. =)

I never understood what it meant to be faithful to God before, I thought it just meant praying and reading your bible everyday but now I know it also means still choosing to trust God and pray all the more when your circumstances fail you and when you don’t feel like praying at all knowing that by fact God is faithful and it is true that when you are faithful in the sense that you want God for God and not what He gives, He gives you everything in full measure and you don’t even have to worry about where your next meal comes from because God always provides if you have faith in Him. For if God is love, then love never fails.

A very wise aunt said, “Even if you have to eat sand, trust God.”

Smile

2012-01-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

“If you have done the best you can do and if you have gotten all you could extract from something, you have given all you had to give, then the time has come when you can do no more than say thank you and move on.” -Maya Angelou

2012-01-01T21:02:00.000+08:00

Sleep deprived but so happy and blessed to have had the time and opportunity to spend the entire new year's eve and new year with family and friends I consider family all under one roof. Haha. So worth it. ♥ Thank You Jesus. =)

Happy New Year. =)

2012-01-01T00:57:00.002+08:00

Hillsong United - You Are My Strength

2011-12-27T10:22:00.001+08:00

Christmas eve

2011-12-24T17:01:00.000+08:00

Indifference hurts more than angry words.

2011-12-20T19:01:00.000+08:00

Quote

2011-12-18T16:40:00.002+08:00

‎"Lord God of my heart, You alone know and see all my troubles. You alone are aware that all my distress springs from my fear of losing you, of offending you,from my fear of not loving you as much as I should love and desire to love you. If you to whom everything is present and who alone can see the future, know that it is for your greater glory and for my salvation that I should remain in this state, then let it be so - I don't want to escape it. Give me strength to fight and to obtain the prize given to strong souls." -St. Padre Pio

Prejudice

2011-12-12T21:13:00.002+08:00

I have this friend who rumor has it has a pretty bad past. She did a lot of things which by any moral standard is wrong. Although I had no real prove of it I’ve already judged her at the back of my mind even though I may try to be polite or nice to her. Then there was this incident recently, whereby my friend and I had a confrontation with her regarding an issue. We were so keen on looking at her fault based on her past mistakes that we overlooked how nice she’s been to us all and really the fact that she did nothing wrong to us despite the rumors. We did her injustice by not really talking to her unless necessary which I’m not proud of. Later I found after the confrontation that really, although she may be at fault we were too and we were uncaring because we made her feel like an outcast. I felt bad and sorry. So I apologized cause it turned out there was also a misunderstanding amongst all of us that none of us knew about.

This whole thing, made me realize that we as people have our faults and mistakes which makes us equals in that way and we may hear things about others that we are sometimes not sure of and we ourselves become cautious of them and become the reason why they sometimes cannot put the past behind them as much as they try. I found unless they’ve done you wrong or hurt you in some way you really shouldn’t judge or pass sentence to them. As Christians I think, that is not the way Jesus would’ve acted. I realize He would’ve forgiven and forgotten their past and no longer remembered it. He would’ve loved them despite their faults just like He still does with us and with my friend.It doesn't matter what she's done in the past, God forgave her and He did the same for you and me.

You can’t change people, you can only change the way you treat them and the more you love someone and truly care for them the more you help them change or evolve to become better persons. Love does not seek to change a person but give them room to grow and flourish. I wish I knew then what I knew now and could take back everything I did because maybe then I would’ve reflected Jesus more beautifully to her and be the peacemaker Jesus calls all of us to be. So this Christmas, I’m going to pray for my friend and for Jesus, because of the love he has for her too I will be genuinely nicer to her because who am I to judge when I myself am not perfect? God gave her the same love He gave me. Some people are not the easiest to love but it’s those who are hardest to love that needs it the most and I thank God because in this way He does not give up on us.

Believe

2011-12-06T18:55:00.000+08:00

Walk home today. =)

Some people can very difficult to live with. Sigh. Not going into that. LOL.

As I was going about my day today and just like the most of us, a midst the busyness of everything I forgot to remember what’s truly important and I thank God because even though so, He still has the time to remember me. My HOD said something today which struck me; she said “Time is not ours, it belongs to God.”

A few hours later as I was just writing my assessments down, this girl, also a student suddenly asked me out of the blue how to spell “BELIEVE” and she wrote it down for me. She wanted to know if she spelled it correctly. I didn’t even know her name or who she was. In that instant, gobsmacked as I was I was reminded of God and His presence in my life and how even in the midst of the most unusual circumstances He can use ANYBODY to reach not only to me but to you too. =)

Quote

2011-12-06T18:19:00.000+08:00

First Day

2011-12-05T20:36:00.000+08:00

I couldn’t really sleep last night. I kept waking up every one hour. I had the weirdest dreams. There was one in particular that freaked me out so much I woke up sweating. I can’t really remember much of it though. I just remember dreaming 3 different dreams. Waking up in the middle of the night and looking around I forgot for just an instant I wasn’t home.

We start work daily except Saturday’s and Sunday’s from 8-5pm. The place where we live is 5 minutes from the hospital so we walk. Today there were about 20 students at the physio department. So we didn’t really have much to do plus the place is small and we didn’t really have that many patients. We were the only seniors there. Most of the students were only in their 2^nd year. They were all friendly and helpful and even though we didn’t really know them or their names they offered to drive us (my friends and I) home after work today. So thankful cause there are a lot of stray dogs wandering around. LOL.

I need to find time to pray. So I’ve decided to wake up at at least 6am to do so and at night I gotta start studying cause here we’re pretty much on our own to do everything. I learned how to wash my clothes by hand today. LOL. I am clueless. I put too much soap my friends have to help me wash them again. LOL. I thank God for them. =)

Last night, the weirdest thing happened. My friend wanted to burn incense. She’s an Hindu and I didn’t want to but she wanted to cause of the smell. To her it’s nice but to me I can’t stand it but I didn’t say anything so as she was trying to light the match stick to burn the incense I prayed that it wouldn’t light but even though so I doubted it wouldn’t and I figured it was worth a shot just praying for it. LOL. But just when she was about to light it, it really didn’t light up even after 3 times trying. The match stick either broke or the fire went off. So she went to my other friends room to light it up, the same thing happened. It happened for a total of 7-10 match sticks before it actually got lighted up and in the kitchen. I was pretty gobsmacked. That to me was a miracle and enough for me to know that God really was and is with me.

Thank you Jesus. <3

New Beginning

2011-12-04T19:14:00.000+08:00

Was out since 7.45am today. Got back around 3pm. Attended mass with my HOD and her family. They’re the nicest, humblest and really just a jovial family with a devotion for God. So grateful to be here and placed here though it wasn’t really what I wanted but everything is unfolding just nicely and nothing like how I thought it’ll be. I can’t help but feel this is where God wants me; where I’m meant to be.

Attended the 8.30am mass. Sat right in front. LOL. I was overwhelmed by how devoted the people were in church and when I looked at the cross it made me feel so close to God I started to tear up. I felt God close and He was telling me, “I am here.” Everything the fr talked about in his sermon I felt reaffirmed. The thing that struck me most about his sermon was about how everything beginning has its ending and that it’s inevitable. We hate goodbye’s but new beginnings are really just continuations of the past. I feel like this is my new beginning. Fr also spoke of a new heaven and a new earth and suddenly I remembered a few years back when I was about to sleep in my mom’s room that I suddenly had this vision of a new heaven and earth and I told my mom about it and I remember that weekend after I had that vision during mass the readings spoke of a new heaven and earth. Back then I never knew that those coincidences meant something but now I do.

I haven’t really been spending much time with God lately and it’s time I start. He gave me the opportunity to spend an hour with Him after confession last friday in the prayer room before I left for Penang the next morning. I didn’t realize it then but God made that happen. During mass today just when they sang the lamb of God, I smelled incense for a good 15-20seconds before it went away and I thought I was imagining it but I asked and nobody else smelled it. It made tear up again. It feels like God is comforting me and just telling me He is here and He didn’t have to but He did and for that I am so grateful.I know he’s here, protecting me and guiding me.

Being here I am at peace and happy. However, it doesn’t really feel real. It feels like back home when time is just passing me by and I was just always waiting and I worried it wouldn’t here. I hope and pray everything’s gonna be ok. My posting officially starts tomorrow. I have this fear and worry that I’m not good enough or insufficiently prepared. But pray for me. Can’t wait to go back to church this thursday!

God is so good. When I was in Kuching I was at St Joseph’s chuch. Here I have both st anne’s and Mother Mary’s church to go to. Haha. It feels like family. Thank you Jesus especially for reminding me I’m no longer who I was instead I am new in You and for constantly encouraging me and being there for me when no one else was. Thank you for teaching me this and that I can always trust you.

Finally Reached!

2011-12-03T18:36:00.000+08:00

Had about 3 hours sleep last night. Left home at about 5am and reached Penang around 8.45am today. Visited St. Anne's church for the first time today and thought it was just so breathtakingly beautiful and big. Sat in the car for a total of 10 hours today; getting lost and just waiting. Haha. Accommodation is not too bad, got a pretty decent place to live in. Haha. So tired right now with a major headache. I just want to sleep.

"Everyday is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be." - Marsha Petrie Sue

Nostalgic

2011-12-01T23:02:00.001+08:00

Just got home from visiting my aunt and cousins and uncle and suddenly I miss having a real family around. It makes me appreciate what I have even more. I haven't really been praying lately. I'm not prepared for confession tomorrow and just for once I really wish time would stop. I'm not finished packing yet and there's still so much to do.

I hate that I don't get to say goodbye or that when I do nobody says it in return. It sucks to remember people who don't remember you.

I'll be home for christmas. Got the whole one week off posting then. So thankful but right now one hurdle at the time. Saturday's not here yet but it's coming soon and this time next week I'll be long gone. I can't imagine the future I just hope everything just turns out well and falls into place. I need to start praying and really just immerse myself in the presence of God and not get distracted anymore especially by fear and heartaches. I'm gonna hold on to him all the more tighter now.

Dear God,
I'm sorry I don't love you enough or try hard enough to love you. Thank you for still loving me and for still being there for me. Amen.

Running out of Time

2011-11-28T19:57:00.003+08:00

This time next week I'll be in Kepala Batas for my 3rd and final posting. I was afraid but not so much anymore but feelings can change. Right now I'm just waiting and I've been waiting for the longest time. Lately I've been mostly angry and upset because I feel forgotten mostly by the one person I wanted to remember me the most. It's really pointless to talk about it now. I just want to be alone but despite that I really hope and wish somebody would fight just to be with me.

It's Christmas again. Christmas makes me sad because it reminds me of all the things I don't have and wish I had. Every years the same and nothing's changed. I feel like that magic feeling is long gone. Just like my birthday's. But maybe instead of hoping for things to change and be different; I should appreciate what I have even if it's not much.

Sometimes I just feel like crawling into a ball and crying. Sometimes I think it's really just best to be alone and just avoid the world.

"Sometimes I just want to run away. Not because things are bad, or because there's something to run from, just because there's nothing in particular keeping me here."

Walking through Time

2011-11-26T02:47:00.000+08:00

The days never seem to end
It's like reliving the same day over and over
Only difference is you're aging through time
Body weakens; soul wearies
What does it mean to live anymore?

The journey seems endless
Stuck between life and death
I wonder where should I go from here
I feel like I lost it all
Waiting; where do I go from here?

I have nothing to lose anymore
Nothing to be afraid of
I have nothing
Wandering through space and time
I forgot how to live.

Old self behind me; new life awaits
I'm not sure how I feel anymore
Going through life it feels like nothing's changed
but everything's different now
The child in me is dying.

I wonder if anybody understands
or am I just a miserable poet
Trying to come to terms with everything that's going on around me
I finally understand what it all means
I cannot escape my future
I need to accept who I am.

If this is goodbye then I have no more words
Just don't forget to remember me
I hope you find everything that makes you happy
I let you go now; I pray you find peace in your heart wherever you go.

Love Enough

2011-11-26T02:37:00.000+08:00

I think of the way a father loves His child and the way a mother cradles her baby

I think of the way a friend is sometimes closer than a sibling and sometimes a sibling the best friend you ever have

I think of the way families tease each other and can sometimes bring the worst of you to light but also help build you up

I think of the intimacy two lovers have and how life's not same anymore

I think of forgiveness and letting go and I realize it takes great love and courage to do so

I think of love and I realize nobody can ever love you enough

Not with the same courage and no matter how deep or how high.

I think of those who feel alone and so unloved

I think of those who've given up on it

And I realize we need people to love us so we feel protected

To make us feel like no matter what happens there's still hope around

but that love is never enough

because human hearts change

and one can only hope that;

that love that which we were loved with was imperfect but true

and maybe that's why love hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a fool

Or maybe perhaps I'm just a learned fool

I think of God and I cannot begin to comprehend the vastness of His love for us

Because His love is both perfect and true and is not conditioned by circumstances

and I realize if you truly love somebody, you can entrust them to God

because He will take care of them and love them better than you ever could

Don't give up on love, it's all around you.

No matter how much you've hurt someone or been hurt in the past

God loves both the saint and the sinner just as much

And His love and courage is more than enough for the both of us

It is far greater than we can humanly grasp

Humanly we are not capable of a love as big as His

but receiving it we become more like Him

and sometimes surrendering is the best act of love you can give God.

So if you feel like you are loved enough or maybe less

You are loved so much more than that; you can't imagine how much

You don't have to go looking for love

Love's already found you

and you gotta trust in that love

because it'll take you places better than your dreams.

You will never be in want and always have what you need

You will never be alone and you'll learn to be truly happy

You will know what it means to love and you will never look back

You will understand your love is never enough but His is

And you can rely on His strength to touch others with the same love He's shared with you

And you will realize He is love.

Remember Me

2011-11-22T10:31:00.000+08:00

I saw the way I was and I laughed at my immaturity

So frail and insecure I didn't know better

Back then I would do anything to change everything

As I look through these pages I remember the emotions I felt

Sometimes I am encouraged by what I read, sometimes I can't remember saying what I said

and sometimes I am in awe of some of the things I say.

Here now contemplating my childish youth

I wish I could go back and assure myself that everything's gonna be ok

Mistakes I've made and foolishness I've felt would always be there

It is the scar that makes me who I am today

I worried unnecessarily about the future but it turned out ok

because I'm still here and never thought I'd be

I couldn't see the future back then and still can't now

but knowing what I know now here's what I'm telling me;Everything's gonna be ok

Everything I thought was bleak and dark pushed me to be better.

I remember when I was afraid

and I thought I could never get through this

I remember the uncertainties I felt

and doubts I had about a bright future

I remember losing faith and giving up on You

because I couldn't understand or see You

I remember losing a loved one and wishing so bad I could turn back time

I remember my first heart break and wished I never felt that way again

I am remembering so many things I choose to forget

Remembering the bruises I forgot I had.

Wherever I go you are always there

even if it's in my thoughts, things I say or way I feel

I don't always realize you there but you are just as real in my past

as you are in the present and future

I don't always know what I'm doing or where I'm headed

I just know you are already there.

So even if it's fear I feel in my heart

I know you are always there

and when I don't understand or the future seems uncertain as it always is

I will remember knowledge of you is enough

When trials come and I feel like I am defeated

I will be still and know you are God

When I can't let go I will choose instead to hold on to You.

I will remember the fear you felt in your agony

The tears you cried and heart break you still continue to feel

for the millions that abandon you everyday

I will remember the night before you died when you prayed so earnestly

When despite the fears, struggle or uncertainty you faced you didn't give up

You still choose to have faith in the God that led you to your death

Still choose to die for the people who mock you everyday

and you said, "Remember Me."

If you could have such great faith and love why can't I?

As I look you in the eye and I see you face to face

I know there is no where else I'd rather be

and I will remember to love you.

Made this today.

2011-11-20T18:51:00.000+08:00

I call it "Tepung Soup" or you can call it pan mee. LOL. Tepung means flour. =)

Spiritual Aridity

2011-11-15T17:02:00.000+08:00

I felt really sad and downcast these past few days because nothing turned out the way I hoped. It felt like hopes light is growing dimmer by the day and hope’s light was going out soon. It really hurt because I had so much faith that God would turn things around for me. I trusted Him; I believed in Him and I didn’t want to go back to square one. I didn’t understand it. I still don’t and I feel alone with my faith. It’s as if my faith or strength wasn’t good enough or big enough or just enough for the trials that torment at the door of my heart.

Nothing changed. Everything’s still the same but just when I thought I could handle no more and was about to sink so low and lose what little faith I had, He drew me out of the deep waters and gave me new hope and greater faith in my heart. I don’t get God. I really don’t. Sometimes I feel like He takes pleasure in seeing me cry because I always feel like He’s laughing at me afterwards when things do get sunnier. I feel teased by God and I don’t think it’s funny especially when you’re the one being teased.

I was questioning God again. I thought I had sufficient faith but He still had to test me until I could take it no more. I wasn’t satisfied with always giving away and getting nothing in return. I told God it was humanly impossible for me to love the way He does because I’m giving it all away and I feel empty inside when I am not loved in return. I felt used and unappreciated because I’m always there but who’s there for me? I pray for others but who prays for me? I felt alone and I thought I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s just not worth it. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore and that light is shrinking away. It’s so hard to have faith. So hard to practice what I preach.

But just then I thought of God and the way He loves me and the way He teaches me and I realize there is none like Him. He is special and unique and I still love Him even though I don’t get Him or when I’m upset and just won’t admit it to Him because I know I’m supposed to trust Him and don’t want to lose Him. He reminded me to draw my strength from Him. I don’t want to be God, I’d be happy to just be with Him. I don’t have to have control over everything; just to be safe under His guiding wing is enough for me. I knew I owed God everything and no matter how much I gave Him it wouldn’t suffice and in that thought a tiny part of me wasn’t satisfied but I knew it was true. I wanted to be justified with the way I was feeling, I wanted to tell God He owed me but I couldn’t and just then in my misery I knew God was teasing me again.

He was telling me it’s ok. He wanted me to do things out of love for Him and despite the fact I owe Him everything He doesn’t force me to repay Him, He just wants me to stay faithful and still choose to love Him because everything He did for me; He did it out of love and there is no force in love. He wasn’t forced to love me or die for me. He choose to. When you love God and He loves you everything you do for each other is not a “laboring” or “working” for love. It’s called a passion and it must come from the heart and Jesus had real passion for what He believed in; us. It’s all about the love for what you do; for and with who you love. I feel much better right now. This dark cloud is over and I am stronger in Jesus right now and I know He’s laughing at me because I am with Him. Everything’s gonna be ok.

My faith was small; Jesus just wanted to enlarge it. He didn’t want my faith to be on people but on Him. I don’t know how everything’s gonna work out but my eyes are on you now Jesus. He wants to use me and not just anybody to change my circumstances for me. He wants to help me through me. When I have faith in myself I have faith in Jesus. I realize I’m never alone and even if I am in the most literal way, Jesus’ got my back. I realize I wasn’t holding on to faith that God had to camp outside the door of my heart. If I had real faith in the first place He wouldn’t have to be camping outside. I was holding on to something I couldn’t let go of despite my faith (or lack of it) and God kept banging at the door of my heart and opened my heart even bigger than before and shone an even brighter light into the room of my heart so no shadow or darkest I try to hide could hide anymore. He dispelled the darkness. I was afraid of the thunder storm I thought was outside the door of my heart but it was really just Jesus banging at my door all along and feeling afraid I opened up just a little to let Him in and in surrender He immediately cleansed me inside out and He cleaned out something I forgot I had because it’s been buried for so long. He wanted me to really listen. He did it because He knew I needed Him. Amen.

Surrender

2011-11-07T01:33:00.001+08:00

Trying my best I don’t feel good enough

Am I worthy of someone as good as you?

You hear my deepest thoughts

You know the desires of my heart

What is a sinner’s worth to you?

Nothing makes sense anymore

Everything is falling apart

And all I want is just to be with you;

For you to hold me in the midst of my tears and aching heart

I wonder what your plan is for me in this struggle

Who am I to you God?

Jesus, I lay it all at your feet

As you hold my hand and sit me through this night

I know everything’s gonna be ok

Looking at you I know I can trust you;

And I choose to lay it all down at you feet.

You lived your life to die for me

Choose to love me when I least deserved it

I am humbled by your love for me

In my doubt and confusion you say, “ I am here”.

You tell me to love and never give up hope ;

Because when you died for me,

You taught me how to live.

When it’s difficult to forgive you remind me to look to your cross

When it’s hard to love, you tell me one more time, “Look to the cross”.

Your love is greater than my sin and you want me to live and love the way you did

When I think it’s hard or impossible to forgive and love and I cannot see beyond my pain

I look to your cross and I remember nothing is impossible for you

The road is narrow but I know this is what you want of me

So Jesus I surrender it all to you and I trust in your unfailing love for me.

Making A Difference

2011-11-03T18:19:00.000+08:00

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”
— Albert Schweitzer

Forgiveness

2011-10-28T15:36:00.004+08:00

Nobody can possibly understand the struggles you’re facing unless they’ve been in your shoes and yet we all respond differently to struggle because no two person is alike and we all have our own and uniquely different perspective on things. Everybody in the world suffers some form of struggle no matter how perfect their lives may seem and not everybody is who they say they are, not even you because I’m pretty sure there are something’s about you that nobody knows about underneath the surface and all the masks you wear.

I had a quarrel with my mom just recently and it got so bad I didn’t want to live with her anymore and in that feeling of the moment I couldn’t forgive. I couldn’t see God and I was angry. It felt like in that moment I lost God and everything I struggled so hard to build like my relationship with Him, my family and myself. It felt like I had no friend in the world who could understand because nobody was here with me. In that instant I felt like the loneliest person in the world but in that moment was also a moment of grace and it made me realize it’s not the end, not all hope is gone and no matter what I did God was still with me. I could choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness in return and I know all would be well again because I know my mother loves me and that she wants nothing more than my best interests. So, just as quickly as the quarrel happened, just as soon I sought her forgiveness and when I realized I could do that I wasted no time because I knew this was where I was meant to be. God wants me here and there is nothing more I want than to do His will. I didn’t want to be broken from unforgiveness, run away, lose God and everything wonderful He has in store for me. I wanted to do His will in and for my life even if it is the hardest thing in the world.

It’s not difficult to forgive when you have God in your heart. Everybody’s gonna hurt you at one point or another regardless of who they are whether it’s a loved one or not. Forgiveness is who you are. It must come from you not them. Forgiveness I realize is not pretending everything is ok. When you fight you make up and you mean it. Do it for the love of God and just realize that at the end of the day anger is just a feeling of the moment. Don’t let it weigh you down. Regrets can last a lifetime. All things will pass away even the people you love but live your life in such a way that you choose to love over hate. No man is an island. You will make a bigger difference in the world that way. Your conscience is God’s voice and should speak louder than your pride or the opinions of others. You must recognize that you love the person more than what he did or said because Jesus did that for us, hard as it was. Nobody’s perfect and that means you too and we all make mistakes and need forgiveness and God I believe is reaching out to forgive us through each other every time we choose to forgive and just let it go. Unforgiveness blocks you from being truly happy.

No family is perfect. We try our hardest for the ones we love and sometimes it may feel like it’s not enough. We may get angry or hurt or disappointed because of them but it’s only because we love them so much. We may not understand them but it doesn’t mean we love them any less. It’s a love hate thing some times. It’s a struggle to love people either because we are imperfect ourselves or that it’s really just difficult to love difficult people; maybe it’s both. It doesn’t make us less human but more human and also a lot more like God. Don’t give up loving people because that is not what love is all about. Love is thinking less of yourself and more of the other. People may take you for granted but still love because Jesus still does and at the end of the day we all need a little love to make a difference in the world.

Faith is trusting

2011-10-27T13:53:00.001+08:00

There are times when I want to run and hide

Times when I just want to be alone

Times when I don’t understand anything

And question everything I know; trying to make sense out of it

Times when I really wish I knew who I was

And not be ashamed of it and not be afraid of showing people how I really feel.

I feel like nothing ever changes

It’s like nothing bad ever goes away but good things just come and go

It makes it so hard to hope; it makes you paranoid

It’s like the hurt never really goes away

It makes you feel like you can never really trust anybody to understand again

You’re more cautious of people now

And you don’t think that you would ever be happy again.

It’s all so confusing

My head is going against my heart

I want to follow my heart but it’s getting tired of believing too much

My head is over powering me, mocking me; telling me it makes no sense

Why believe in what you cannot see?

Why take one step at a time?

Why not worry?

Sometimes you get tired of waiting

It feels like hopes light is growing dim

And you wonder if there’s anything worth believing in in the first place

What if you were just this overzealous misunderstood fool who cannot begin to comprehend what everything encompassing him his whole life means?

Faith is what keeps me holding on

Without it I don’t think I can go through another day

So even if my head wants me to disbelief everything’s gonna be ok

My heart cannot cope with the reality of no hope

And in the end it’s the heart that really matters because it is your voice of conscience

Giving you the courage to face another day

So it’s really God you’re listening to and if your heart is strong your head follows

And with it peace is born.

Faith is taking one step at a time

Faith is choosing not to worry about the outcome

Faith is not giving up in uncertainty

Faith is trusting God is here with you now; giving you the biggest hug in the world

Faith is trusting He would never leave you and always protect you

Faith is trusting God knows what He’s doing

Faith is not questioning God when you don’t understand

Faith is trusting God knows best

Faith is seeing what only your heart can see.

Hope is like a bridge that bridges faith to reality

Impossible things happen for those who cross that bridge

Faith is living in the moment with God in your heart and walking with Him hand in hand

And when you live in the moment, you’re making every second count

So forgive those who hurt you and choose to let every unpleasant feeling go

Life is but a moment..

Once you realize that nothing else matters as much

It means you put more heart into everything you’re doing now and make it your best as if it was the last best thing you ever did and you do it with faith and God in your heart

When you have God in your heart it makes you the most passionate person in the world

Things which don’t make sense finally do when you have faith

It changes you.

If I die tomorrow

2011-10-23T08:20:00.002+08:00

It’s so easy to get angry and disappointed with people you love and care for when they don’t seem to reciprocate that same love and affection you have for them. Sometimes I found you get disappointed and hurt because you realize some of the things they don’t do for you; you would do for them regardless of how hard it was and you would always make time for them even if you don’t have it.

If you really love somebody you would go to great extends to tell them that and I believe that was what Jesus did not only for me; but for all of us. If I can feel hurt because the person I love doesn’t want to be with me just for the sake of being with me and spending time together; I can only imagine what Jesus must have felt or is still feeling now every time I choose to ignore Him and take Him for granted and forget that the only reason why I am here is because of Him.

Jesus is a huge part of who I am and even though I may say I am open to everything He sends my way a part of me still isn’t as ready as I thought I was because I realize I still want to know what it feels like to be in love and have someone look at you like you’re the most perfect thing in the world. I know God does look at me that way but I don’t see it and what I can’t see with my human eye the Carmelites have thought me to see with the eyes of faith. They have pure faith in what they believe in which just amazes me. Their joy even in their confinement and their passion for Jesus is unexplainable and illogical and it reminds me of the way love is supposed to be. God is real.

So if I die tomorrow I want the people that I love to know that I love and care for them and even though I get hurt and angry because of them remembering that I could die tomorrow I choose to forgive because that anger isn’t important anymore. We are so worried about what we leave behind when we die that we forget to look at what is ahead of us and I realize if I die tomorrow God is there too and my whole life is quite literally in His hands; His face should be the first thing I see every day of my life and especially after death. So I believe the phrase live like you’re dying is actually right.

So right now, I know it’s human nature to not be perfect because I make mistakes and I sin but as Sr Clare puts it that is not an excuse because if God made me in His image then I should remember that I am capable of being perfect just as Jesus was because God is perfect and I realize it takes sacrifice to be perfect not only just as the Carmelites are but all religious too. I think that people who give their lives to God have found something like a treasure which none of us has and can comprehend and they give away everything just to be with Him. God doesn’t require that you succeed; you just have to try. Your faithfulness comes from your faith in God and He has great faith in each and every one of us which explains why He is so faithful in His love for us even when we’re not and I am so amazed by this every time. It makes being a Christian so priceless and worthwhile.

So I trust that whatever god has in store for me and wants me to know I will come to know eventually and right now all I have to do is to take one step at a time and just live in the moment trusting him with every breath and when the time is right He will lead me and prepare me for whatever it is that He has called me to do or become. Even if it means sacrificing my life just so Christ can live and die all over again through me. So the words of St Paul rings true, “It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.”

Meant to be?

2011-10-20T17:39:00.001+08:00

Everything lately has been a little weird. It's like something's going on behind the scenes and I dunno what it is but I just know that God is behind it. LOL. He's really taking care of me and of everything that concerns me. It's like He's telling me not to worry about them because He has everything under control and I can trust Him with anything and everything. Thank you Jesus. =)

I'd like to think of coincidences as God's way of speaking to me. It's like me seeing the extraordinary in ordinary everyday things. I tend to notice them from intuition I guess and I just have this feeling that this is something I need to take notice of regardless of whether or not it means something to me and usually they do. Sometimes there's no reason for it but over time it all makes sense. It's like a small piece of the puzzle coming together bit by bit every time till the whole puzzle is complete. It makes me feel special knowing that God remembers, cares, and is constantly looking out for me even if it is sometimes in ways I do not understand at all. I honestly think that things fall apart sometimes as God's way of nudging us towards another better direction and I think it's absolutely true that if everything's not okay in the end, it's not the end.

When things go wrong I find that now I tend to just stop and take a breather and realize that maybe this is happening for a reason and usually I find it's really God protecting me from an otherwise unpleasant situation and all He really wants is what's best for me. Like the other day, just as I was all pumped up and ready to go for mass it started to rain really heavy and on top of that I had unexpected guests at home and I was pretty bummed out but in the end the rain and unexpected guests turned out to be a blessing in disguise cause even though at that time it may seem like an obstacle but it really was just God telling me that there really was no mass that day. LOL.

I was so thankful I didn't just show up to an empty church with locked doors.Which got me thinking that maybe sometimes we might blame the devil for stopping us to go for mass or church or really just do that something we were really meant to do but if everything happens for a reason maybe it's God trying to teach or tell us something through all these things if He allows it to happen. I'd like to think of God as the master planner who knows exactly what He's doing even if it may feel wrong to us and even if it's really the devil trying to discourage us I think God knows what He's doing and I think that the more worthy the cause the tougher the fight and I like that you're never a loser when you follow God and trust Him because in a way I think God was a victorious loser when He died on that cross for us. LOL.

Someone once said to me that Jesus didn't have to die the way He died, He could have just said the word and we would've been saved but He did it to prove His love for us and I thought that was true cos if He didn't do that we wouldn't know the extend of that love. It would just be words and we would take it for granted. I think that if Jesus didn't die for us it's not reason to be passionate about Him at all which is why I think most Christians are. My mom once said to me,"Love is action" and she is most definitely the best example I have of God and all that He is. I've never told her before but her strength gives me courage to be better. God doesn't force you to become anything you're not but He want's you to try your hardest and best because sometimes He's just trying to bring out the best in you and even if I get annoyed with my mom sometimes she's just looking out for me and I think that everything I am today; my siblings too is because of her. God used her to save us I guess. She's been through so much and I don't thank her enough. =)

Coincidences I guess is just God's way of saying it's meant to be and I think He's saying it with a wink in His eye and a cunning smile like what He's really saying is, "I've got something up my sleeve." ;)

How to love?

2011-10-19T20:08:00.002+08:00

Believe. Have faith in the one you love and sometimes that means yourself.

1. Being open means to accept the other person for who they are; flaws and all. Respecting their privacy and space and trusting that when the time is right they would open up to you.

-Selfishness and insecurity makes you doubt yourself and the people you love; don’t give in to that. To LOVE also means to let go sometimes but near enough to not be too far away. It’s being there when they need you. LOVE starts with friendship and there can be no friendship without trust. When you can trust your friend you begin to love them and a much deeper bond is developed.

2. Show the people you love how much you care about them. They would never know if you never show it. Don’t be afraid of showing them how much they mean to you. They in turn would open up to you.

3. To love means to let your true self show. So any relationship compromising that isn’t a relationship at all. You need to first learn to love yourself and realize that you are worth loving just the way you are before you commit to any relationship and when you are ready the right person will always come along.

4. To love is to trust that when the time is right everything would fall into place.

Keywords: BE OPEN, BE YOURSELF, TRUST, SHOW YOU CARE and NEVER CEASE TO LOVE.

When you love someone it’s not about you anymore. To love is to not count the cost of loving the other. It’s to be there when they need you and just seeing them smile or happy and knowing you’re the cause of it makes it all worthwhile. Love is not selfish, love gives; love never dies. That is the true nature of love. It expects nothing in return. Love is when the happiness of the other person is more essential to your own. Sometimes love is sacrifice. Love is doing everything and anything you can for the one you love. To love is to be a humble hero just like Jesus.

When you have love in your heart, it overflows. It touches every life form you meet. It glows. It hopes and it shows. It is joy. It is that special feeling that you have when you know you not only can love but be loved in return. When you love someone you are taking care of that person but when you are loved; you are being taken care of. That’s the beauty of love. It transcends all logic with an understanding only two or more kindred hearts can understand.

When we love each other ; Love unites us all.

“To love is to be vulnerable.” –C.S Lewis

6 months

2011-10-09T22:57:00.002+08:00

I am afraid of not being good enough; of being a failure. I sometimes really just want to run and hide but what's wrong with trying right? I think I'm a coward really for not wanting to face anything that frightens me.

2 more months before my last and final posting. I'm scared of what might happen because I won't be home for 3 months and I don't really want to go so far away...it's just a scary thought to me.

3 more months before the new year and I'm just really wishing I could stop time because everything is just happening too quickly.

6 more months before I turn 21. Soon after I'll be graduating and yet again, I really wish I could stop time. Who knows where I'll be this time next year?

I really just feel like packing my bags and migrating to New Zealand with my dad by december, that way I wouldn't have to face anything. I'm not sure I even like the course I'm taking but there's this voice in my head telling me that I haven't really tried and I really should because I'm not gonna fail. I am good enough but I just won't try. A friend told me, "just carry on; don't quit because 6 months will be over before you know it and you wouldn't regret it. You've got nothing to lose." True so I should carry on.

My brother said this to me today, "Prepare for the worse but hope for the best." That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

When it comes down to the real thing, it's always easier said than done. I'm not invincible. I fail and I fall too.

I miss having a real family around. I really do; because right now it feels like it's just me against the world. No matter how much I try to let someone in, at the end of the day I'm still alone with my thoughts and all by myself. I don't think I've ever really loved anybody but I'm beginning to appreciate and love the family I have now. It's like nobody's ever really seen the real me.

I think my problem is I trust too much in the wrong people. People and persons who I thought would be there forever and I really wish someone would actually just show me that they care and not make me feel a fool for trying.

I just want to go home. Wherever that is.

Chris Tomlin - I Lift My Hands

2011-10-09T22:26:00.000+08:00

I needed this.

Steve Jobs: 'No big deal. Just three stories from my life'

2011-10-06T16:00:00.002+08:00

Love this.

Find what you love.

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure, these things just fall away in the face of death leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked, there is no reason not to follow your heart. No one wants to die; even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there and yet death is the destination we all share, no one has ever escaped it and that is as it should be because death is very likely the single best invention of life.It's life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new, right now the new is you and someday not too long from now you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.

So you have to somehow trust that the dots will connect in your future, you have to trust in something; your gut, destiny, life, karma whatever because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path and that will make all the difference." -Steve Job

Believe

2011-10-03T20:49:00.000+08:00

Made this video but it isn't too clear. Still hope you'll enjoy it! =)

Believe

The days drag by as I hope in the unseen
Waiting for salvation to come save me
Running I cannot hide; I just want to feel something
Lost I want to be found; Jesus will you come find me?
Worthless days spent seeking answers I already know
Just because I lacked faith.

I cannot remember the details of my life
It all seems a blur now
But I remember the emotions I felt
The mistakes I've made and the choices I'm not proud of making;
The hurt that I sometimes inflict deliberately out of anger or revenge
They seem to outdo the good I could have done
And outshines the better part of me.

There was a time when I believed the lie that I was no good for love
I sought it in all the wrong places; I didn't know better
I didn't know or understand love
I failed to recognize it in the one person who loved me the most
But now I know what it means.

Every moment of my life brought to HERE
Every struggle or insecurity I've had fades away
People and places I've seen and been to seem so far away now
Everything is behind me
Every experience of my life made me who I am today
In this moment and this solitude where there is no time
All I see is YOU

"I've always wondered why some people get what I wanted the most and I don't. Then I realize maybe it's because God knew I didn't need it as much as I wanted it. I've come to realize that if someone or something is meant for you everything just falls into place, it wouldn't be so hard even if it takes time. Maybe things fall apart sometimes because that's how God makes sure we stick to His plan and even if we may fail Him sometimes, He makes the best out of it. Sometimes I think that maybe losing your way in life is part of the plan..."

In the end it's all about you
You were always there especially when everybody else has walked out

I need a JOB

2011-09-30T14:55:00.001+08:00

"Make your passion your profession."

I think people tend to lose sight of that because they need the money more. Either that or they never really had a passion for anything in the first place. Chances are you're not gonna be happy with what you do so you just make the best out of it.

Why is it that people never fail to disappoint? Am I expecting too much from them or they just couldn't care?

The days drag by as I hope in the unseen
Waiting for salvation to come save me
Running I cannot hide; I just want to feel something again
Lost I want to be found; Jesus will you come find me?
Worthless days spent seeking answers I already know
just because I lacked faith..

Big World

2011-09-22T23:11:00.004+08:00

It's easy to get distracted when you're not sure what you want in life. Temptations are hard to resist. So it's best not to go there in the first place. I've come to realize I dunno life. I've never really experienced it so who am I to judge anybody? Sometimes I think that I dunno what it means to truly live. I just want what's good all the time and never really take any risks or go after what I want. I'm so concerned with doing it right that I fail to see that mistakes are part of the plan too. If you don't make mistakes you dunno life. Experience gives you maturity. You face life first hand. You dunno what you'd do but it's the experience that matters and whether or not you like it you're gonna constantly learn from it. This whole wide world is the bigger school.

Sometimes I'd catch myself imagining what's it like out there in the bigger world. I imagine being happy. I imagine being the best that I can be in trying circumstances and knowing I'd persevere because that's what life is all about. It's a beautiful dream in my head; getting to travel the world, seeing new places and meeting new people and most of all not only getting to know myself but the world as well. I wanna be out there. I wanna see things, feel things and experience things. I need that dream to come true without feeling foolish about it just because others don't share the same view.

You never know who you really are until you're put in your absolute worst. That's when good or bad it all comes out. I dunno what it means to love. I've never really had it. I'm not brave. I've never really been a good friend. I don't really have any. Here and now, I wonder how I got this way. How I can be so closed up and so detached. How is it that I expect to be loved when I don't really show any in return. I've always lived in my head. Been a dreamer for as long as I can remember but now I'm just beginning to see the world and I want to live here because it's more beautiful than my dreams. It's real. Nature it's just breathtaking. I wanna truly see it, know it and feel it.

I was so narrow minded. When you love or like someone it's not supposed to be that way. You don't make someone your whole world. You lose sight of everything else. You're meant to share your dreams not lose them or forget them. Life is supposed to be interesting. There's supposed to be more to life. More to everything you can ever imagine or dream of. Life is supposed to be a great big adventure and if you feel nothing you're not living at all. Life is real. Dreams are just dreams until you're living it. I want to start living. I want to experience living and being alive. I want to know what it means to to truly live and make sure I never stop living.

Sea Sparkle. Makes me believe that there's still magic in this world. =)

Hillsong Live - Cry of the Broken

2011-09-18T21:49:00.003+08:00

Just A Thought

2011-09-17T21:17:00.001+08:00

When others get what you wanted the most, maybe it's because God knew you didn't need it as much as you wanted it. I've come to realize that if someone or something is meant for you everything just falls into place, it wouldn't be so hard even if it takes time...Maybe things fall apart sometimes because that's how God makes sure we stick to His plan. =)

"Just because you're STRUGGLING that doesn't necessarily mean you made the WRONG decision. PRAY, STAND STILL & TRUST GOD!" It's just a test! -Pastor Mike Jr

"Did you know that the people that seem the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know that the people who exhibit the most kindness are usually the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones that need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry and Help me?"

The Bigger Picture

2011-09-14T21:19:00.002+08:00

It's a cold rainy day. I like the weather. Honestly, sometimes I'd rather be alone and keeping a safe distance from people so that when things go wrong I can safely say it had nothing to do with me. Makes it easier to just walk away. No attachment to people or things is good but at the same time it can leave you feeling alone and just drifting through space. Do you ever wonder what your purpose in life is? I always wonder and I wonder what really is it that I am meant to do or born to do. When is the right time or age to finally figure that out? I feel like time is running out and I still dunno what I wanna do. What I'm meant to do and is passionate about? In a way I love time, because it helps you figure out what you're meant to do eventually. Time doesn't heal wounds but it gives you space to grow and breathe, or to just figure things out. Anything can happen if you have time.

I worry too much. I try to stop but as the saying goes, old habits die hard. I'm just taking one step at a time. Progress is still progress I guess and no matter how much you screw up in life, part of growing up is to make mistakes and learn from them in order to survive? To improve and become a better person? I've come to realize there is always two sides to a story and possibly more. One perspective doesn't necessarily see the whole, bigger picture; and this is what I want to see, the bigger picture.

Day by day I go through life and everyday's almost the same but I've found that my home is really inside of me despite the circumstances or events that come my way in life. Nobody can get to that safe refuge inside me when I'm alone and have my thoughts and feelings all to myself and can express them freely in any way possible and I don't have to worry about what people might say or think of me. In short,when it's safe to be me. So in a way I find freedom in solitude and detachment. There is peace. I am free from all my wants and I'm free to just embrace that moment of solitude.

As I grow older I realize, I become more like me. When before this I never understood who I was, it becomes clearer with time. It just happens and when it does you just know and I realize this is me, this is who I'm meant to be without the pressure of being perfect or trying to please anybody. I've learned to be cautious who I tell my stories to because I realize I've been too trusting of people who don't even care about me and forget the stories that tell the tales of my life. I've found, if you look closely very few people are truly important in your life and they are the ones who truly care for you.

All my life, for as long as I can remember I've always tried to fit in but till today I can't. Maybe it's my attitude or my lack of self-esteem but quite honestly I don't care what people say or think about me anymore. It's not who I am. This is me and I am comfortable with myself. I am smart not stupid and I've got God by my side. It's about the only thing that really matters in this world. I maybe quiet but I've got a world of ideas and stories that I'm not gonna simply give away to just anybody. Now I realize, while on the outside it may seem like I have nothing much I know my true worth and I know I deserve so much better than fake friends and people who cannot accept nor understand or just value me for who I am. I will always be a child at heart, sensitive and a girl who'll always dream and right now try to be again the girl who believes dreams do come true with that added touch of maturity.

For my own growth I realize, sometimes it's necessary to walk away from people either emotionally or literally physically. The people in my life never stays permanently and more often than not; while they may walk away from me physically and sometimes emotionally, the hardest thing for me to do almost every time is to walk away emotionally.I care too much about people who wouldn't give me a second thought. It's not easy for me to show people that I care especially when they mean so much to me because it's a risk putting yourself out there and I've learned from past mistakes not to reveal too much. My pride won't let me be a fool no more and sometimes it's easier to feel nothing and pretend it doesn't matter than go out there and risk humiliating yourself and getting hurt. Even though I hurt, I mend quietly. I don't want to trouble anybody. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I am worth loving but then I realize the right people aren't here yet. I am just as valuable with or without them and you know what? Everything's gonna be ok in the end.If it's meant to be, it is.

It's hard to love people who make life difficult for us,but these people can help us grow in grace and become stronger in faith and love.

Hello again God.

2011-09-11T16:46:00.000+08:00

Revision classes start this coming week. The following week is my final exam then I've got 3weeks off before my new and final semester starts. Time really does fly by! One more semester till I graduate and I'm not sure if this is what I wanna do for the rest of my life? I'm only 20 but sometimes I feel so old from all this thinking.

I realize at the end of the day it's all about the choices I take; the decisions I make and sometimes doing the right thing is hard because you're gonna have so many people go against you and ridicule you and make you doubt everything you've ever believed in. It's not easy to lead, it's easier to follow. When it comes to God I guess, you really have to walk by faith and not by sight. I've always wondered why would God allow suffering in this world? Why is it so hard sometimes just to be truly happy or at peace? then it occurred to me that if all was good here what's the use of heaven? Why should we need it anymore if we're perfectly happy here?

As a young person,or rather for me growing up is an uphill battle. There's just so much to learn that I sometimes worry if I'm getting it right; if I could remember everything I need to learn to be a better person and being imperfect that is hard.Sometimes I tend to forget. The older I get though I feel God telling me more than ever to listen to my heart; to focus on Him and everything else will happen accordingly. You know the saying, "Skepticism is the beginning of faith?" Well I've doubted my faith countless times and have done so very recently as well but every time I'm just drawn back to my faith and each time I'm stronger and wiser when it comes to my faith and what I believe in. I'm Catholic you see and I'm just happy and so blessed to part of this church so rich in legacy and tradition. It feels like family to be part of this growing church and community which has stood the test of time for over 2000 years. Doesn't that say something? There's so many religions in the world and all are good because they teach about goodness and I've always just wanted to follow the truth, I wanted to KNOW the truth, the REAL TRUTH and then it occurred to me what's wrong with Jesus? Nothing actually so why not follow Him after all He said He is the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE. Who else can say that? Nobody, so why settle for less when I already have better. You are either all for Jesus or nothing. It's either Yes or No. No maybe. So make a stand. Most people walk away from God by neither denying him nor accepting Him because it's inconvenient. God's way is hard. It's true but I also realize it's good for the soul. Nobody can love you the way God does if you let Him.

"My people perish for lack of knowledge." -Hosea 4:6

"Christ Jesus is the SAME TODAY as YESTERDAY and FOREVER. DO NOT be led astray by all kinds of strange teachings. Your heart will be strengthened by the grace of God..." -Hebrews 13:7-9

So seek to understand before you completely dismiss God.

I realize maybe now's not the time for a boyfriend. Even that desire for it is fading away. Maybe it's God's way of protecting me for something greater than I because every time someone tries to get close to me something happens that prevents that even if I like the dude!Sometimes it hurts and I used to think it frustrating when I think back but I guess God works for the good of those who love Him. Maybe God is saving me for someone special out there or maybe He's saving me for Himself. For his purpose and glory because He knows there's no lasting happiness apart from him. With everything that has happened and the friends and people that have come my way I'm beginning to acknowledge that through it all God was the only real friend and family I had ever had. As I grow older and with all these experiences I experience I see clearer now. I see things from a different perspective and if this is only the beginning I can't imagine the future. Without God I think I would surely break to pieces.

"God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless." -Chester W. Nimitz

2011-09-07T00:27:00.001+08:00

"Sometimes you’re not afraid of letting go, you’re just afraid of accepting the fact that it's already gone."

Time is passing me by and sometimes I really wish I could stop it. I never really got over him. For a time I did but then I wanted to hear it from his own mouth. I needed to know if it wasn't just me that what we had was real. That i wasn't imagining it. I really liked him but I hated that he didn't try harder and that hurt but I guess now that I think of it, I hurt him too and in a way we both dunno what's really wrong and we're just walking away from each other. I wasn't honest with him and him me.

"You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest." -Anonymous

Truth be told I'm scared and I'm running away because I dunno how else to face this except to be real with him but what if He never felt that way before. What if it was just me? I can't risk appearing a fool again...The guilt is eating me up and I miss him. I honestly dunno what I should do. I don't want to lose him but at the same time if he didn't mean anything to me at all I wouldn't be feeling this way would I? I guess the saying is true, you never really stop loving people you just learn to live without them.

‎"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...we must do that which we think we cannot.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

I wish I could take back everything I did to hurt him. It's the one thing I regret. I wish I was there for him just as he was for me. I acted out of insecurity but at the same time I knew I deserved better from him. He liked me but not as much as I liked him but the answer I really needed I guess is right here now and I really should let him go. I'm not brave. I don't think I can go after him in the same way again. It's different now and although I regret giving up on him when I did, I'm glad in a way that it happened because now I know better and I see differently. The relationship wasn't really helping me grow because I was trying to be everything he wanted me to be except me. It's not that he didn't try to come get me or talk to me; he did but he did it half way and that was the hurting part. I wanted him to try harder just like I did for him. I trusted him. His fault is not doing anything and I felt like I was the one just trying so hard to reach him...so is he worth it? I think not. He will never like me as much as I liked him. So do I need closure to let him go? I think not. I think it's evident enough now. There's not much left to do anymore. I need to remind myself to look forward because I did the best I could. The rest really is up to him and God now.

I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I was so cold. I was so engrossed in my feelings and I had my pride. You were right to ignore me too. I was wrong but in a way but so were you. You never really opened up about your feelings with me. You never looked me straight in the eye and told me what's wrong. If you did, I would have left everything and just ran to you. I loved you. I wanted to be there for you just as you were for me and I hate that we don't really say much anymore. I wish we got a chance to talk things through. I wish we didn't give up on each other when we did. I can only hope and pray that you'd forgive me and I you and move on to wherever life takes us next but I realize I don't want to do it without you. As much as I hate you sometimes, I can't imagine not having you in my life anymore. I've never felt this way with anyone else. I'm confused but at the same time enlightened because my feelings and heart is in contradiction with everything my mind is telling me.I wish we had a second chance. A second shot at making this right that is if you'd still have me. I'm sorry. I really am.

"Your best effort could never achieve in a lifetime, what God can do in a moment." -Brian C. Houston

God knows best

2011-08-29T21:27:00.000+08:00

I'm down with a cold. Tomorrow is Raya. The day after is both my brother's birthday and also National day. I really wish I could stop time sometimes and really just stop thinking and feeling too much. I kinda liked this past 10 weeks. It kept me busy and gave me something to do.

"Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end...?" but I also find comfort in the thought that nothing bad lasts forever either. I guess that's just the way life is, no point running from it. If there are some things that you can't change just accept it and move it. If it's meant to be, it is. Worry is useless. Just do your best and let God take care of the rest because He knows best. I believe everything that happens in our life, past, present or future is planned and ordained beforehand by God. So if you think you are the master of your own destiny you're probably right because God can't act where you won't let Him and if things don't go the way you planned it you know it's God taking over. Everything happens for a reason. Every little thing.

"God takes our Brokenness and turns it to Beauty...in HIS timing. Be Strong." -Kari Jobe

Lips can lie; hearts cannot.

2011-08-26T17:44:00.001+08:00

It's been one helluva 10 weeks. The whole experience is just unforgettable. I'm learning much. I hate goodbyes.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

I met people who don't know how much of a difference they're making in my life. Funny how fate makes you meet people you never thought you'd meet. On my first day of posting quite genuinely I thought I'm not cut out for this. I'm just not good enough at what I do. I took things lightly and never really gave what I did a proper try. Nobody else cared so why should I? Nobody made me want to be a better person. I was quite content just going through life with no expectation or hopes. I felt safe. I expected the worst from me and the worst was what I got. It's a rotten feeling.

Then I met someone who makes me wanna be better. Someone who can both make me feel like I'm the smartest person in the world and yet also the stupidest. He cared about what I had to say and quite genuinely listened. He's goofy and at times nerdy but he's so grounded and real that I'm just drawn to him. It might sound silly but I've never met anyone quite like him. He makes my heart sing. LOL. He's just so comfortable to be around with and really just so honest and respectful. He doesn't give a shit what people might say or think of him and he quite basically minds his own business. He's got a heart of gold. Apologizes when he knows he's wrong. He's not hard to read really. I like that he tells you what's on his mind. I'm gonna miss him. I miss him already. I feel so much in heart that I can feel it in my chest. I tell everyone I feel nothing for him but lips can lie; hearts cannot and I like the thought that he might actually feel something for me too. He's the dude of my present. Here and now and I like him just the way he is.

I might never see him again. Never talk to him again. These feelings will eventually fade. But if it's meant to be it's meant to be right? I don't have to push for it to happen. There's not much left for me to do but move on now. Someone once told me, "If it's meant to be; it'll happen very fast and very quickly and in short nothing to stop you two from finding each other." I want to hold on because to me it means that these feelings mean something that there's something there but then I realize it's perfectly ok to let go too. It doesn't mean those feelings mean nothing but that it just wasn't meant to be and that sucks. I finally found someone who gets me and who's just right and then we just lost it. That to me is just sad. You never appreciate what you have until you've lost it. I wish I cross your mind, I wish you wouldn't let me go and just move on with my life. Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe it doesn't matter who I'm with as long as I'm happy with him. Funny thing is, I never felt anything for him, if anything I was scared of him but then over time it just developed. He may not know it but he's seen more about me than what I'm brave enough to show.

When you're in love an 8 can be a perfect 10.

My Problem is...

2011-08-20T21:58:00.001+08:00

1. I try to please everybody.

2. So afraid or care too much about what people will say about me.

3. I listen too much to people and try to do the right thing too much.

4.Blame myself for everything when really I'm not at fault. There's nothing wrong with being me. I hate people who can correct me but can't stand to be corrected in return.

5. I always try to improve and be better and try to tolerate and understand and love people no matter how difficult because I wanna know what love is and if this is what it means. But people make me question if this is love or am I just being stupid. =/

6. I trust too easily and I thought always trying to see the best in people is a good thing! But clearly some people take that for granted!

"Surround yourself with people who encourage,value & build you up. Don't tolerate people who bring you down. You're worth more than that." -Barry Southgate

Sigh,

I miss you
I miss talking to you
I miss everything I thought you were
I trusted the boy I knew
It's not what you did, it's what you didn't do
I wonder if I really pushed you away or maybe you were never there to push away in the first place
I wonder if you miss or missed me
I wonder if you thought of me as much as I thought of you
I wonder if you loved me; that I'm not just another girl
I don't want to just be your friend
I want to mean something to you.

Maybe my mistake was listening to what everybody else had to say
and I was too afraid to ask you for myself
Maybe at the same time I was afraid of this being real
Maybe I was afraid this wasn't special to you
I was a coward. I blamed you. I blamed me.
I'm not sure who to listen to anymore
Maybe the only people that really matter was US.

25 Deeper than deep Questions =P

2011-08-17T13:50:00.001+08:00

1.What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

-When I'm telling someone how I feel

2.Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.

-I was really mad at my mom a few weeks back but I can't remember about what.

3.You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call.Who would you call?

-My mom

4.You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.

(A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (B) What do you do with your remaining days?(C) Would you be afraid?

A. Not sure if I would. Probably close friends and family only.

B. Pray.haha. Do everything I was afraid to do and never had the chance to do. Tell the people I love how much they mean to me.

C. Yes.

5.You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?

-Trust

6.You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

-Pray for the dog cos I can't swim and I'm afraid of dogs. =P

7.You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?

-Yes.

8. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

-Italy,Rome.

9.Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Would you?

-Yes.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

-Sometimes. haha. But I'm thankful for the friends who still love me anyways.

11. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let him go because of work shortage, and he is the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?

-Hmmm, probably not.

12. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

-That I love them

13. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?

-My beliefs.

14.When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

- Last week to a friend. =)

15. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would it be?"

-I wish my grandmother was still alive.

16. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?

-My mom.

17. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

-I dunno how to give CPR so probably not. =P

18.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or never loved before?

-True love

19. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true what would it be?

-For my mom to be healthy and financially stable and for all her dreams to come true.

20. What are you afraid of?

-Someone I love dying and not being perfect.

21. What makes you happy?

-Knowing I am loved. Makes me appreciate it even more when sometimes I know I don't deserve it.

22. What is important to you?

-Doing the right thing.

23. Do you miss anyone right now?

-Yes

24. What is your heritage?

-I'm Indian + Chinese + Portugese.

25.When was the last time you fell sick?

-I'm still sick. It's been 3 days. lol.

Not Well

2011-08-15T15:33:00.001+08:00

Sick and cold with a touch of migraine and ear block. Haha. Not a good feeling. =( I couldn't sleep last night. Tummy aches. Next week is my final week of posting. I sometimes can't believe how fast time flies. I need to study. It's my final assessment next week. I'm barely half way studying. I've come to realize that everybody in my life was put there for a reason, for me to learn something from them be it about myself or just life and people in general and I am grateful God is always there guiding me. God always knows. So I realize it's just best to trust Him no matter what the event or circumstances. Like today I got the day off from my posting and I was so happy for a break! But I guess you could say God knew I was gonna be sick today so He ordained that I should get the day off...makes sense? LOL.

I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. =) Listening is the best thing you can do for someone when you don't have words. It's also the most important part of communication! I need to listen more than I speak.

What else can I say? I love my family. Good or bad they're still my family. We're not perfect but we're all we've got. In the end they're the ones who's got my back and knows every possible flaw in me. I realize, my parents aren't perfect but they tried and I should appreciate them for that. Friends will come and go but family is the only thing permanent.

Life is a learning process I guess and I've still got much to learn. I may not be as brave or strong but I need to try. As long as I do and God He will see me through it all. Looking back I never thought I'd be where I am now with all the people I've met in my life. I've learned that dreams do come true but it's important to be realistic as well but with God nothing is impossible as long you trust Him and love Him with all your heart.

P - PRAY

U - UNTIL

S - SOMETHING

H - HAPPENS

When you've done your best leave the results to God. He knows what's best for you. =) One step at a time.

I'm not ready

2011-08-11T15:23:00.002+08:00

for a relationship even if I wanted it. I'm not ready to completely trust anybody. I'm not ready to be me when I'm around people especially friends. I'm scared that if I get too comfortable in my own skin when I'm with them, they start noticing how imperfect I am and start disliking me.Pitiful I know.The fact that this is real scares me. I'd rather be alone. I am a coward. I hate confrontation and I don't do sucking up to people. Sometimes my own thoughts confuse me. What my heart wants is in contradiction to everything my mind is saying. It's just so complicated. Sometimes I really wish I could just run and hide because maybe tomorrow doesn't get better and nothing ever changes and I'm left feeling like a fool all over again if I actually hope for more. I'm not brave; I wish I was.

"I know I'm not the brightest star in your sky. But I try" -and I'm done trying.

"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to."

"Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down."

"To love is to be vulnerable.."

I've still got much to learn...

At the Heart of the Storm

2011-08-06T23:26:00.001+08:00

I dyed my hair yesterday. It's light golden brown now. Haha. Sometimes I feel like shaving my head. I'm thinking of doing it next year after I graduate college then it (my hair) can grow back nicely. =D

I've learned something crucial today...These past two weeks I haven't really been going to church and I was anxious about so many things that I never thought mattered and tried to push away. Deep down I think I knew but wasn't brave enough to confront all those issues that have been bugging away at me. I thought I did what was right but I did it on my own strength, not God's and that's where I fell....I lost focus and I felt like I was losing God. I felt like my conscience was condemning me. Guilt was eating me up because my pride had it's way not God. I thought I knew it all....Silly me.

When I was at church today the sermon really touched me and everything the priest said just spoke to me with so much conviction I could just break down and cry.

Stuff I've learned :-

1. I needed to forgive myself more than anything because God had already forgiven me. The problem was with me now, I didn't need to forgive anyone else more than me.I sought to forgive everybody else except me. I sought to solve everything else except me and I failed to just pay attention to myself and love me for me and do what's best for me not people.

2. God was telling me that it's more important for me to be at right with Him than anybody else in the world cause it's the only thing that really matters. To have a clear conscience before Him and not men. That means it's more important that I please Him first, not people and what they think.

3. I needed to listen more to children. Meaning now where I'm posted at. I need the courage and strength to really listen to them and see Jesus in them though they cannot speak sometimes. "Children are like the storm, they don't know what they leave behind."I need to learn from them.

4.Jesus is there in the midst of the storm. Quite literally He's at the heart of the storm not outside or all around it but at the center of it all. Therefore there is peace in the heart of the storm when we find and learn to see Jesus there.

5. When Peter walked to Jesus on water, He wasn't trying to show the other disciples how much faith he had, he was running away from the storm. I am doing it too. I am using Jesus as a way to escape the storms of my life not confront it but Jesus is making me face my fears not run away from them and He is telling me to take courage and not be afraid because He is at the heart of the storm.

6. I am so many things but more importantly and firstly, I belong to Jesus. I am a child of God therefore I am different especially from my peers who are in the boat.

7.God knows what's best for me. I need to trust Him.

8.God prepared Mary for greater storms in her life. She was a teenager like me. She had crushes. She was playful and was just like every other teenager in the world but God took all that away from her to prepare her for something greater.

"Give up your small ambitions...God has a greater dream for your life."

"Stop second guessing yourself. It ended for a reason, you moved on because you deserve better. Don't go back to someone who is constantly pushing you away and tearing you down."

I missed church. I missed being free. Thank You Jesus for saving me yet again.

Happy

2011-08-03T19:57:00.003+08:00

How do I describe this past two weeks? It was surreal, unbelievable and I think time flies when you're actually enjoying yourself. My posting this time is the least stressful I've ever had and the physio over there is super nice and friendly and in short a real gentleman who's willing to teach without getting mad at you especially when you're wrong. He is understanding and really patient; qualities that are sometimes rare in not only professionals but people as well. It is a refreshing change which I welcome with open arms. LOL. I'm learning much. Not only in my studies but relationship wise as well. I'm learning stuff about myself and people that I never knew before. When someone haves faith in you, it really does encourage and boost up your self-esteem. I am exhausted, I've got much to do but this time I'm happy doing it and when the time comes I think goodbye is the hardest thing.

I've learned, sometimes when you want something but not sure of it, it's best to just wait and see what happens and if it's meant for you it'll come to you and you don't have to go looking for it.

Thank You Jesus. God always provides.

Because Of Who He is

2011-07-25T21:39:00.000+08:00

I came to the realization that I'm not special. God treats everybody equally. We only seem special because God cannot be outdone in generosity. He makes everybody feel loved and special. I am special because of who God is in His unconditional and true love for me. It's not by anything I did or didn't do. I never understood that before. I am all I am because of Him. Therefore I should be truly humbled knowing that all that I have and am comes from Him.

I should stand in awe and gratitude of God everyday of my life for what He's done and is doing for me for my freedom in this life and in eternity with Him. He never fails to respond to those who chooses to turn to Him and acknowledge His love and real presence in their lives and yet we did not choose God, He choose us and calls us to Himself first. We love Him because He first loved us.

God is a gentleman, He doesn't go where He's not welcome but even then He's faithful especially when we're not because of who He is. He is love and He cannot deny himself. He doesn't abandon us in our weaknesses and sinful self. He comes to our aid the moment we allow Him to and begin to search and seek for Him with our whole hearts.He quite literally is already there the moment we call on Him because He never left our side.

God is so good and so great. I cannot imagine a life without Him. There is none like Him. Thank you Jesus.

'But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.' -Romans 5:8

Time flies

2011-07-24T21:44:00.001+08:00

It's Sunday. The weekends will be over in a couple of hours. I start my posting tomorrow. It's gonna be one crazy ride. I can only hope and pray it all goes smoothly as it is I'm not sure how I'm gonna get there tomorrow. So sleepy. I should sleep soon. It's about 9.30pm now.

Watched Harry Potter today. Thought it was superb. Neville Longbottom the unlikely hero. Haha. Harry Potter reminded me a little of Jesus's passion and death on the cross. Haha. I really am a Jesus freak. =)

Good Night world. I hope you have the best week. Life's too short to be wasted. So just do your best and let God take care of the rest.

RIP Amy Winehouse.

God gives; No More than we can handle and No Less than we deserve. =)

Leeann Rimes

2011-07-22T23:24:00.002+08:00

"You never know when your life will take an unexpected turn and you never know who or what is going to ignite that flame inside you,teach you something about yourself and the world. Sometimes it's not pretty but there's beauty in the ugly and ugly in the beauty.I've learned to embrace it all, it's MY journey. Embrace your journey, keep your eyes and heart open and out of it all you will learn new things about yourself, you'll cultivate strength,courage,wisdom,faith.. you'll hopefully learn the fine art of forgiving yourself and others sooner than later and you'll especially learn to laugh; mostly at yourself."

"I Stand In Awe Of You..."

2011-07-22T22:22:00.001+08:00

That song keeps playing in my head. Hmmm....

I finished my 5 weeks of posting at the stroke centre. Next week I'll be headed to a children's home. I feel so exhausted. Thank God it's Friday. =)

"Letting things go doesn't mean giving up. It's simply knowing that beyond risking, God's will falls perfectly in place after waiting." I like that.

I realize the things I tend to worry about are pretty much minor and unnecessary and God's telling me to trust Him more because He can be trusted. Choose to believe in God even when and especially when someone or something confuses you about your faith. Know that God can be trusted. If He cannot be trusted then there's no true hope in the world.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." -Hebrews 6:19

Another thing I realized is that I should serve where I'm needed not where my service is pretty much unnecessary. Meaning I tend to do more than I should sometimes. It's a hard habit to break but I'm trying. However, sometimes I tend to shrink away from what God is calling me to do out of fear and not wanting to take a risk or make an effort for Him. I cannot undo what I've done but now I know and if you live your life with no renewed passion or hope life becomes meaningless. God becomes distant. To know God is to put an effort in getting to know Him. The more you know Him, the more you will love Him and grow in Faith. Just as there's a time for everything; when God chooses to bless you He will bless you abundantly. Life is both about the thorns and roses. Nothing is meant to last forever. Which is why I think there's no real meaning in this life apart from heaven. Heaven is where everything lasts forever and you will be with God for eternity. Who wouldn't want that? Such perfect joy and happiness never ending. Everything is made by God, for God.

It's been a long week but time is flying by. I'm not sure what tomorrow or the future will bring but I'm just taking one day at a time. Embracing the moment. When you sweat the little stuff, it feels like you've got the whole world on your shoulders; just let go. It becomes a whole lot peaceful thereafter. In all you do, when you're given a specific task or responsibility just do your best and let God take care of the rest. He never fails. There is no reason or room for fear because God is able. Just look up to Him. He will always be there. =)

Pride hinders God from working through and in you. If you have unforgiveness, feelings of resentment or anger towards someone the only way to let God in is to desire His entering into your heart and life more than anything. In other words, when you put God first, you would want to forgive because you wouldn't want to be the one hindering God's plan and purposes for your life or others. Pride destroys you.

"Be angry but do not offend; keep your word to yourself." Psalm 4:5

I would rather be silent than utter words I will regret later because I know that anger is a feeling of the moment and that it too will pass.

People who are cheerful even in the midst of adversity really do inspire me. They're a sign that there's true hope out there. I've learned that nobody in this world is perfect. We all have our imperfections in one way or another no matter how perfect we may seem at times. We are all equals actually because we all have critics and those who compliment us. It's a 50:50 thing. So we will never be perfect but you know your own worth. You know your faults and defects but you also know your strengths. God made us that way so that we may be truly humble and part of being humble is knowing exactly who you are. It's even more humbling to know that we are priceless, worth something because God loves us. So it's ok to imperfect creatures because He accepts and love us inspite of ourselves.

Experience is a good teacher. From experience you learn what you need to know and you strengthen your weaknesses so that the next time something similar happens you know what to do, you know the warning signs and you can roughly figure out the outcome or solution. Sometimes part of the solution is to do nothing, expect nothing and let God act on Your behalf. Uncertainty I think is torturous. Waiting is trying but to wait on God is an act of trust which I think is purifying and humbling at the same time. God knows best. When sometimes I feel like I could just run and hide from all the problems in the world God is telling me to be still and know He is God. (Psalm 46:10) When I'm able to just calm down and put myself in His presence I feel like all the problems in the world eludes me and I have this strange calmness in me I can't explain and I just know that everything's gonna be ok. Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing or where I'm headed but I trust God to see me through and I trust that if there's something I need to learn or know it will come to me in due time...I shouldn't worry about not getting it right or making mistakes. Imperfections are inevitable but God will teach me everything I need to know.

"Teach me, O Lord the way of Your statutes, and I will observe it to the end." Psalm 119:33

I've learned a lot this week. I've grown and changed so much in this short but not so short 5 weeks!

"For in Him we live and move and have our being..." Acts 17:28

I am a child of God. I belong to Jesus. <3

When I'm with You

2011-07-20T19:17:00.002+08:00

My Heart is troubled within me

I know not what I should do

I want to run, I want to hide

But my ways are not your ways

Teach me the way I should go

Hold on to me

Help me trust You with my whole heart.

I cannot imagine a life without You

I cannot imagine not knowing You

I cannot imagine not having this relationship with You

Jesus, You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me

I want to walk with You

I just want to be with You

Nobody can love me the way You do

Not everyone can understand the depth of this relationship

You call me by name and I am grateful.

When times are rough

I will trust in You

I believe You’re molding me to be the perfect person You created me to be

And to draw me closer to You in these trying times

I will be still and know You are God

When I am with You

I am as true as can be

I become who I really am

Who I’m meant to be

My identity is not lost when I am with You

Apart from You I lose all sense of who I am

Apart from You I am nothing

I am me when I am with You.

Jesus You amaze Me

2011-07-19T19:52:00.003+08:00

Just this morning as I was praying the message that came to me was be still and know that I am God and the second one was that Jesus is always by my side.When I got home I completely forgot about it until I came across this video and guess what? It's a combination of two songs (TWO!) that each have one of the two messages inside.What are the odds? I was gobsmacked! Just the assurance I needed cos I was anxious about something and the lyrics just spoke to me (EVERYTHING). LOL. Thank You Jesus! ♥ "God's love brings color into your world." Even that line, as I was going through my journal I came across it just before! =)

Just The Beginning

2011-07-16T23:22:00.005+08:00

Words are important. They can either build you or break you. Talk is cheap when people don’t mean what they say. They take words for granted. I think words through writing or speaking is a beautiful form of expression of our thoughts and feelings; A wonderful form of communication you can say but sometimes you don’t need words to express what you need to say because there’s always sign language or body language and at other times there is the power of intuition.

Words. What are they? Words are only words until they are given meaning. Some people use bombastic words to express what they want to say but at other times simple words are just enough. Words. What are they? Sometimes I get so tired of just talking and trying to get my point across because sometimes I feel like I’m repeating myself. Unless I’m sure and certain of what I’m saying, I don’t want to say anything at all. I would rather say it right or nothing at all. However sometimes I think I just throw my point across with what little inadequate words I have and hope it gives meaning or means something to someone somewhere. Sometimes I think all you need is a little silence but if you keep quiet for too long it could destroy you too.

Like right now I feel like there are not enough words to express what I’m feeling or trying to say. Maybe I just don’t know what to say anymore, where to start or how to finish. Maybe it’s because I’m not sure what’s going on in my own heart anymore. When you remove everything in your heart and life that is pretty much unnecessary, you tend to find a lot of emptiness in those places. This is just my beginning. I’ve still got a long way to go. The more I learn the more I realize there’s so much I don’t know. I’m still trying to adapt; getting there. Sometimes nothing seems real to me. I feel like I’m here but not here at the same time.

I wish I could stop time. I wish I could just stop for a moment and start thinking again; Reflecting on all that has happened and just try to make sense out of it but I’m not sure if that’s what I’m supposed to be doing anymore. When I think, I tend to think too deep and I have the tendency to believe what I want to believe and do things my own way but I don’t want to do that anymore and I feel a little lost because I feel like I’ve no control anymore. Uncertain of what’s going on and what it all means.

Jesus is my life now and I want it to be based on Him. I want to get it right with God and I want to try to be perfect even if He understands I’m only human. I just want to live and breathe and move God. When everything is taken away He’s all I’ve got and need and all I ever wanted. I just want to be with Him. I want to be under the shadow of His wings. I don’t want to be out there anymore. It’s not what I want anymore. I know that as a child of God you’re meant to shine but I’m happy next to and close to Him.

Choose what you want. If it’s God stick to Him. Listen and try to be everything He wants you to be. He caters to and speaks differently to different people. God doesn’t complicate my life, I complicate it on my own with all my selfish and unreasoning thoughts and desires. My stubbornness at times isn’t at all in obedience to God’s will but He still speaks to me and listens and does everything He can to make me the best He wants me to be. I’m still inadequate and imperfect and sometimes I’m ashamed of the things I choose to do deliberately even though I knew it was wrong. God should punish me but instead He teaches me, makes me feel sorry for my sins and try to be a better person.

There’s so much I wish I could say that I knew how to say. I am very impatient but with God I guess He’s telling me to just trust Him. To not worry and walk by faith. He never disappoints. I am so thankful because He strong where I am weak. Kind when I am unkind. Gentle when I am hurting. He knows how to handle me with care and for that I am eternally grateful and just in awe of Him.

"Perhaps God brings us to the end of our resources so we can discover the vastness of His." -Neil Anderson

Mad

2011-07-13T21:07:00.001+08:00

"The more I seek You, the more I find You..." before this was never the case but now it is. Funny. Weird. Sometimes I'm not sure what's God trying to tell me. Sometimes I wonder what am I doing but the more I hold on to God and just focus on Him I feel secure. I wonder if anyone reads this blog anymore. Should I continue writing? Insecurity eats you up. You wonder if anybody cares or if it's all worth it anymore. I'm just so tired of caring and being the nice girl....It can be frustrating when you're under appreciated when you give your best.

These past few weeks have been peaceful. God proved to be faithful so many times I don't think I'll ever forget. His awesomeness and mercy just astounds me. He's really working in my life now for me; He's more real to me now than He's ever been. Sometimes I wonder why now?

I got really mad today. Not proud of it but I feel like a great injustice has been done as well. You know the saying, "You can never reason with an angry man?" Maybe I was wrong but I felt like I wasn't being heard as well. It made me wanna cry. I tend to lose at shouting matches. LOL. Pride makes it so hard to forgive;so hard see beyond your own point of view. Jesus I need You now. Please don't abandon me in my weakness.

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

There's not much I can do anyway. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and hide. People confuse and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing what's right?

A Sacred Moment

2011-07-11T20:16:00.000+08:00

by Daniel Kirkley.

Verse 1:
She makes me crazy
She makes me smile
Gotta let her have my heart
For a while

She's got me dreaming
Bout what could be
Something in her touch brings out the best in me

Pre-Chorus:
Could it be love
Too soon to say
Maybe just friends I don't know either way
I want this to be

Chorus:
A sacred moment in her life
Guard her heart and treat her right
There may come a day
When she's someone else's wife
If she's not mine to have and hold
May this time we share be known as
A sacred moment

Verse 2:
She keeps me praying
Lead me Lord
Don't wanna say and do things I'll be sorry for

Pre-Chorus:
God show the way
To live out your love
Strength and her faith, be a man she can trust
I want this to be

Chorus:
A sacred moment in her life
Guard her heart and treat her right
There may come a day
When she's someone else's wife
If she's not mine to have and hold
May this time we share be known as
A sacred moment

Bridge:
Till the true love of my life takes my hand
Whoever's hand I get to hold my prayer will be the same

Chorus:
A sacred moment in her life
Guard her heart and treat her right
There may come a day
When she's someone else's wife
If she's not mine to have and hold
May this time we share be known as
A sacred moment.

I love this.

Home

2011-07-11T20:13:00.000+08:00

The days go by in the blink of an eye

Before I know it I'll be at the end of my journey

People may confuse but You are my only constant

My sure refuge in the time of trouble

At the end of the day my only comfort is knowing I'll be back home with You.

When I'm with You time slows

It's like the only moment in time that really matters

I lose all sense of time when I'm with You

You are eternal God and I find You in the solace

When confusion is all around me You are the peace in my heart

The true love I can trust.

You astound me with Your great love for me

You make me stand in awe of You

You are with me everywhere I go

I feel Your presence within and all around me

Your love consumes me like fire

I am desperate for You

You are my hearts desire; the love of my life.

I seek You in all I do

because in You I find my comfort and consolation

In You I find my home.

My train is Moving...

2011-07-07T21:25:00.004+08:00

I feel like it's been forever since I wrote something here. Truthfully ever since I found God; or rather He found me I have so much of peace in my heart. It's indescribable. I've known God my whole life but I realized that I've never really listened to Him before; I mean I knew He was there but I just couldn't commit myself or my life to Him because I never saw His ways as "fitting" with mine. I was afraid of losing out on all the good things in life if I followed Jesus; so for so long I was afraid of letting go of the grip that I had on all the comforts and familiarity of this world, of losing everything that I held dear to me but now I realize too that "Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss..." The thing about me is that I knew all along what I had to do but I just couldn't do it and I kept going on and on about how I should do it or think that I've done it but in truth I never really did it because I kept looking back. I have no regrets now. Now I know what it means to move on. My train is moving now and I'm enjoying the view as I move ahead. Appreciating what I have now and accepting the things I cannot change.

What ever you're facing I can only say give it time. Don't worry about what happens or will happen; if it's bound to happen it will happen and in due time you'll learn what you need to know. Don't push it. It'll come naturally to you like the air you breathe. Right now, the only thing that matters is here and NOW. Just do your best and let God take care of the rest. He is faithful and would never abandon you. He loves you too much.

I've learned that to let go is one of the most important things in the world. Once you've learned that everything else becomes a whole lot easier.

I wrote this a few days ago...
This past few days, I've been wondering if just maybe I'm a little in too deep or passionate about Jesus and then it occured to me that Jesus is the crazier fool because He died for me. So now I'm proud to say I'm a Jesus freak. Haha. ♥

You know the I love you war? The one where you argue who loves who more? So I told Jesus I loved Him and He said, ''I love you more.'' I couldn't argue with that because He really does. True love never dies. Thank You Jesus. ♥

I watched The Last Song yesterday, the first time I watched it was when I was in NZ visiting my dad and it made me realize that I'm not broken anymore. The movie didn't mean as much to me as it did back then (last year). When I watched the movie yesterday, I was initially envious of her (Ronnie) because I thought, "Man, she's one lucky girl," because despite everything she was facing I thought she was pretty special and talented and had so much which she thought she never had. I thought she was pretty cool. Her life pretty much turned out ok and despite everything she was so strong; a fighter and I almost wished I had her life until it dawned to me that ALL OUR lives are like hers. Difference is, hers is portrayed in the movies. So we're pretty much like the unsung heroes of our own lives and we should never compare our life to another person's because our lives are as equally special and unique in it's own way. In the end, even though our stories are different what matters is what we learn from it; what we get from it and I think we all pretty much learn the same things. We just take different routes to that destination.

"You feel everything too deeply..." -The Last Song
Sometimes I think I do.

I'm holding on to your love, I'm letting go of myself...

2011-07-03T11:26:00.000+08:00

Crossed over (Testimony)

2011-07-02T12:49:00.002+08:00

When I first came on Thursday night, the first thing Ben asked was “Why are you here?” That struck me because I knew why I was there; I wanted to be there, I wanted to come because I choose Jesus over my laziness or sleep. I wanted Jesus; but more than that another reason why I was there was because Jesus wanted me there. He made me want to want Him and choose Him because He loved me first and I am grateful because He found me.

Ben shared that God created us to be loved but the message of the world is that we must pursue love in people or things. Love is made perverse; lust is made relevant. People get used and hearts are broken as we get so caught up in our pursue to be loved and put false worth on people and things that will eventually fade away. “We are going against the current”, as Ben put it. He said that as young people we are free to serve God because we have so much of freedom and energy and that if YOU as a young person would stand up for God and choose to remain pure you are a powerful and living testimony for Jesus. It made me realize that who I am is in Jesus. I am a child of God and my worth is in Him. I am priceless because Jesus died for me with a love I cannot repay. I am worth true love. We need to be rooted in God’s love and once you’ve found a perfect love such as His you don’t need anybody to complete you.

Ben continued to share about the parable of the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. It struck me because Jesus used the little that was available to feed the multitude and they had 12 baskets left over from the LITTLE that Jesus blessed and broke to be shared. Ben asked if we were willing to offer and give God whatever little that we had; to be both blessed and broken. It meant a total and complete submission to God and His will for you for His glory. It doesn’t matter if you’re not good enough or feel like you’re not as talented or gifted; all He wants for you is to say yes and He’ll take care of the rest. Ben said, “Don’t hold back.” To me it also meant not looking back once You’ve given Him your life and chosen to believe in Him. Well, I choose Jesus because I know He is faithful. He can turn ashes into beauty.

"When God is at work nothing can stop Him." -Ben

Sexual Healing

2011-07-02T10:06:00.000+08:00

5 loaves & 2 fishes

2011-07-01T19:13:00.000+08:00

Slacking Behind but Embracing Life Now.

2011-06-26T14:17:00.000+08:00

I reread among some of my first and previous posts on this blog and I realize I've come such a long way from who I was back then....Not only that but I'm also slacking behind in my writing and is so engrossed in somebody who shouldn't even matter to me anymore because the feelings I had for him is in the PAST and I shouldn't be mopping around anymore. Man, I've been living in denial.

So here's to a new start and beginning. A new resolution.
Seriously SANDRA! YOU NEED TO WAKE UP!
Change isn't always bad, sometimes it's good and you need to appreciate what you have. Amen!

People,situations and time can change you. We tend to seek better things; new things that the old is forgotten. I've come to realize we as people are meant to move forward not backwards and the harsh reality is we're not meant to keep all these things that mean something to us. All will eventually fade till they are no more. People will die and our material good will corrupt but memories and the memories are all you get to keep but as you grow old and grey sometimes even your memories fail you and then what's left? All is fleeting. Nothing in life is permanent. Everything fades away. So what use is it to toil for things that will corrupt? To love and lose people that will eventually die?

That is gloomy but I guess we live and love to live in the moment. In the present, not the past or future but here and now. So to all of you reading this, LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE. No matter what you're facing Do your best and trust God to take care of the rest. Screw what people think, do what makes you happy. Embrace YOUR life. Make it count. Don't compare your life to someone else's. Truth is, there are some things that we can't change in life, you just gotta make the best out of what you have and what you're given in YOUR life. AMEN!

Quote

2011-06-25T22:46:00.001+08:00

“It seems as if the more we let go, the more we experience love. Love is beyond everything else - anxiety, desire, hope, resentment. Love is openhearted, demands nothing, and needs nothing. It is more likely to visit when our desires are quiet, when we don’t need or want much, and when we accept that everything we love is not permanent but is with us at this very moment.”

— Learning From the Heart

“So when you feel the pain of loss, please don’t grab at something to take away the pain. Just have faith that pain, like everything else, is transitional.”

-Letters to Sam

“When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives, for moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future of exciting challenges and infinite possibilities, in which the horizon will stretch out before us, trimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow.”

— The Prince and Me

Numb is the New Deep

2011-06-24T17:15:00.000+08:00

This is totally the song of my life right now.

PD

2011-06-24T16:51:00.000+08:00

As I'm writing this I'm at The Legend Water Chalets Port Dickson. I love the view. I love the room. I the bed. I love the Jacuzzi. Haha. Heaven.... =)

Nothing in life is permanent. The only thing permanent is family.

"I wondered, "Why have I been chasing happiness my whole life when bliss was here the entire time?" — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

"Most of us, even if only for two minutes in our lives, have experienced at some time or another an inexplicable and random sense of complete bliss, unrelated to anything that was happening in the outside world." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

If you truly love someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy, even if its not with you. Just let them be happy.

Thank You For The Broken Heart

2011-06-23T20:17:00.000+08:00

Rest

2011-06-23T19:49:00.001+08:00

I wasn't feeling well these past few days so I went to see the doctor earlier this morning. I've got today and tomorrow off from my posting. I had the best and longest sleep I've ever had in so long today. It feels good.

I forgive you...

Waiting in Transition

2011-06-20T20:51:00.006+08:00

I started my first day of posting today. It wasn't so bad I think. The people were friendly. Old people can be really cute. haha. =)

I kept repeating this bible verse over and over in my head and reaffirming it.

"In God I trust I will not be afraid; what can man do to me?" and "Whenever I'm afraid I will trust in you."

Psalm 56: 11 & 3

When I came home I had a major headache till now though I took a short nap. Hate this. I hope all runs as smoothly tomorrow. I just want to sleep everything off.

Afterthought
You know, good music really does inspire me and I guess someday I hope I can write music and lyrics that can and will give people goosebumps listening to just because they're so good. =)

I wonder what's it like to be missed...I don't think I've been missed before or to be in love with the person who loves you in return...sometimes I wonder what on earth am I doing? and then I remember to keep moving on and look straight ahead.

There's a fine line between trying and pretending.

I wish I could stop time. I wish I didn't have to face certain things. I wish my life was different sometimes. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't feel the way I did. I wish I knew what I was doing or where I'm going. I wish for certainty.

The hardest part of this transition is to wait. I hate waiting and not knowing. I hate wanting and not needing. I don't want to want anything I can't have or be the biggest dreamer in the world only to be disappointed. I'm trying to hope. To believe and hold on to God. I know what I gotta do; I just gotta keep holding on till something happens because right now the best I can do is wait and wait until God fills in the void; the aftermath of letting go.

I hate second thoughts but this feels as right as it feels wrong. GOD HELP ME.

In the words of Padre Pio; Pray, hope and don't worry. I'm holding on to you Jesus. Trusting you. Amen.

"Pray, pray to the Lord with me, because the whole world needs prayer. And every day, when your heart especially feels the loneliness of life, pray. Pray to the Lord, because even God needs our prayers."

— St. Pio of Pietrelcina

Good night world.

God First

2011-06-19T14:10:00.001+08:00

I start my posting tomorrow. Initially I was a bit anxious and dreaded the thought of going cause who knows what I might encounter there but then God is reminding me time and time again to trust Him more and I do. I'm no longer afraid because I know He can do exceeding, abundantly more than I could possibly imagine. I find this to be absolutely true; Put God first and everything else will fall into place. Just focus on Him, He'll take care of everything else.

"I rest in the thought you're watching over me..." Amen.

Letting Go and Trusting God

2011-06-16T21:41:00.003+08:00

As you grow older, sometimes you realize the truth hurts and life isn't the fairy tale or the bed of roses we see portrayed in movies. I grew up all my life believing in those fairy tales with no one to tell me otherwise... I think like the most of us I learned the hard way too and sometimes letting go isn't easy but when the time is right you know and you just have to and you have to stop looking back no matter how much you wish things would change or go back to the way they were... I thought I was over it. I was but I kept looking back and that was wrong...I kept hoping and you just run out of second chances to give because truth is,nothing's gonna change; at least not in the way you want them to.

It takes more courage to let go than to hold on. It takes more courage to step into the unknown than to look back to the familiar past.

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life." -Anonymous

Sometimes you don't have all the answers and life can confuse you but you have to step out in faith and just keep believing that everything's gonna be ok. Trust God, He'll take care of you. He can't heal you if you don't trust Him with all the broken pieces.

"Trusting is an act of worship. Just as parents are pleased when children trust them, your faith makes God happy." -Rick Warren

I hurt; but I'm trusting God to take care of me because I know He loves me and I know He wants me to move on so I can start living again and just move on to the better life He has in store for me. Before this I did let go but didn't trust God but now; I'm just handing over to Him all the broken pieces of my life; everything, because I'm through being broken and hurt and I just want to be healed, just want to be happy again. To stop worrying and start living and appreciate my life as it is. I just want to let go so I can finally be free.

Put God first and everything else will fall into place. Believe that Jesus loves you.

“ When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go. Let go, in order to achieve. Letting go is God’s law.” – Mary Manin Morrissey

The Katinas - Praying For You

2011-06-16T18:01:00.000+08:00

Hiding Place

2011-06-15T14:55:00.002+08:00

I run to you because I know nowhere else to go

My tears won’t stop and my heart is aching and only you I can trust

People hurt and disappoint and sometimes I wonder what am I doing wrong? Where did I go wrong?

I feel like giving up

I try so hard and people confuse me; make me doubt everything I thought I was right and believed in

I wish I could run and hide; I was so naive

I wish I never have to face the world again

Because people laugh at my hurt not knowing how deeply it cuts me

My pain is ignored and I’m made to feel like a fool

I wonder if it’s really me the problem or people who just couldn’t care.

I wish I was young again where my whole world revolved around You

Where I could go to sleep at night knowing I was safe in my father’s arms

That feeling is gone now and so is the family I’ve known

And I’m left feeling like an orphan afraid to trust anybody in this world

Afraid of the hurt I would feel

When my own family betrayed me; abandoned me to my insecurities and distrust

I feel like I’m losing my mind; worrying and trying so hard to fix what is broken

To salvage whatever’s left of this broken home

To hide behind this facade is to pretend I’m not broken

Maybe that is why I’m made to feel like a fool

That the things I feel don’t matter at all.

Why do people change God?

Why do I feel the way I do?

Why is it so hard to find someone to share my feelings with someone who wouldn’t take them for granted?

Sometimes I question if I could really trust you but,

In the abyss I find you

In my search I find you

In my despair I find you

I’m drawn back to you time and time again

Quiet and still I can’t comprehend you

You say more to me in your silence

Than anybody with words could ever say

You are my hiding place

My safe refuge in the world of illusions and confusion

I cannot see you but I feel you in the quiet

I trust in your love for me; in your forgiveness and redemption; In your kindness

As I slowly find my home in you

You make me believe in goodness and mercy again

I want to be always safe in your loving embrace.

Your Silence

2011-06-15T14:54:00.001+08:00

I loved everything about you and the way you made me smile

I loved that you loved me and I finally found someone I could be at home with

You were everything I wanted; I loved you with all your flaws

Told myself it was perfectly ok to trust you; I believed I could; I did.

You never told me how you felt about me

It felt like I was the only one trying so hard to reach you

Isn’t it evident enough that I wanted to be with you?

But maybe I choose wrong because you’re not the easiest person to care for

You made me do all the chasing and made me leave with your silence.

I still want to believe that I can trust you

Still want to get over these feelings I have for you

Still want you to tell me you loved me too; that I meant something to you and wasn’t imagining it

Maybe this is wishful thinking

And I wish I could stop my heart from still wanting to love you too much

I believed in you and I loved you

How could I just throw it all away? How could you?

Don’t come back for me

Don’t cause me anymore tears

It was hard enough to let you go

To make myself believe you didn’t want me too

It is harder to open up my heart to you again

I wish you told me the truth

I want to hear it from your mouth whatever it is

I want so much to believe you loved me too

You can’t unbreak my heart but you can make me feel so much better with the truth

Than not knowing at all; even if your silence said something.

"Be angry; do not offend." -Psalm 4:4

2011-06-15T14:53:00.001+08:00

I am angry. I am angry with everybody. Angry with my family, my friends, him and most of all myself. Angry because I brought this upon myself. Angry because I have to live up to the expectations of others for me. Angry because I am misjudged and misunderstood. Angry because nobody bothers to listen to me. Angry because whenever I stand my ground I’m made fun of. Angry because nobody cares to listen and understand. Angry because I wanted to please everyone; make them happy. Angry because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Angry because nobody really looks at me. Angry because I really tried so hard to be good and perfect and do the right thing. Angry because I just wanted to be loved so much. Angry because nobody really cares. Angry because I’m all alone. So angry and hurt I could cry for all these suppressed emotions. Why do people take me for granted? Who was there for me when I cried? Who cared enough to ask me how I was? Who cared enough to want to be there for me? Nobody that’s who. Nobody was there and you wonder why it’s so hard to trust? It’s not like I never tried. I really did. Nobody cares for a lame girl like me. People couldn’t be bothered with what I have to do or say. So screw them all. I’m not perfect but I care and I know what I have to say matters even if nobody listens. I just hate everybody sometimes because they get so preoccupied with what they do that they forget all about me like I don’t matter at all. They forget my feelings and couldn’t be bothered if they hurt me or others just so they get what they want done. They forget I’m only human too and I have feelings. You’re only called when you’re needed. People are so selfish!

Clarity

2011-06-13T10:53:00.002+08:00

This was how I felt from November of last year till now about 3people in my life. =)

Guy 1
I'm not the girl I used to be
This girl is a woman now
and she is stronger than you will ever know
You were my prince charming but not the knight in shining armor I needed
You were everything I wanted and yet I watched you fade away
Because you were just a dream; just a dream
I couldn't stop my heart from breaking
I can't uncry all my tears
Because you were not meant for me.

I move on with just a memory of you
You taught me to laugh, you taught me to cry
My greatest regret was; you never came after me
And I walked away knowing you'll never need me as much as I needed you
If the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
Your love was an illusion leading me on
Leading me to certain death only to be revived again by a love that's true.

Guy 2
I was afraid to love you
but I couldn't stop myself
You were an invitation so friendly and enticing
I had to stop myself before I went in too deep
I was addicted to the idea of you
but I don't know who you really are
I let myself be caught up in the illusion you wanted me too.

The more I pursued you the more wrong it felt
An odd sense of deja vu crept in and I'm forced to take a step back
I realize I'm falling into the same trap and I had to get out
You made me believe again that nothing was impossible
That you and I were possible; but when I look at the reality I'm in
I realize just maybe once again I've been dreaming all along
And once again you were not the one for me.

As I let you go a familiar pang of loss hits me
I cry and cry and wonder why
And then I realize maybe I wanted you too much
So desperate just to love and be loved in return
So anxious for that fairy tale I've always dreamt of
And now you're gone too and I wonder what's wrong with me
Why won't anybody fight just to be with me?
Why can't they love me in the same way?
Am I too screwed up to be loved?

Even though I know you're there
I have to walk the other way
I won't let myself be caught up in my emotions that I forget what what's real and true
I won't let me cry again; I won't let me lose me again
This time round I choose to walk away
because I know you're no good for me if you can't love me the way I should be loved.

The Good God
You found me when I was lost and insecure
So unworthy of a love as perfect as yours
Undeserving of your kindness and mercy
Your compassion leaves me astounded
I've never known a love as true or pure
You make me stand in awe of you.

Your goodness is worthy of praise
I can't begin to imagine how powerful and glorious you are
I can't imagine why you would love a sinner like me
You were a father and friend to me when I had none
You were the voice of conscience guiding me
You saw me through every heart break and pain
You made me see beyond my sheltered life.

You forgave my doubting heart
Taught me to trust you above all
You are my voice of reason in a world of illusions
You help me believe in what I cannot see
You move mountains for me just to show me you're real
You want me to fight the good fight and never give up
You want me to know; you will always be there
Right by my side through thick or thin
and you would never stop loving me.
Jesus, I believe in you.

The unexpected

2011-06-12T12:55:00.000+08:00

So yesterday I spent the whole day with God almost quite literally till about midnight. It was worth it; just soaking in His presence although at the end of the day I was so tired I just slept off the minute I laid down on my bed. lol.

I found that I really have more peace in my heart now the minute I just let go, and surrender everything that's in my heart; every worry and dream and focus on God. It wasn't easy to do but when you realize how much you need God, and how unworthy and small you are it becomes easier to trust especially knowing that God loves you and only wants what's best for you and IN HIS TIME, GOD WILL ACT. In the mean time just SOAK IN HIS PRESENCE.

I found this statement to be absolutely true because something better did happen.

Something unexpected.

I didn't know that to fear is to sin. It didn't realize and fully grasp what it meant when God said "For I will FORGIVE their wickedness and REMEMBER THEIR SINS NO MORE." -Hebrews 8:12 For me I think, it's easier to forgive then to forget. I can forgive myself but I can't forget the wrong I've done...and yesterday I think God was telling me to forget. To forget the pass because it is no more; forget because God doesn't hold it against me. He CHOOSE to forgive me and God can choose who to forgive. The condition for it is that :-

1) You are truly sorry for your sins and regret them.

2) Admit that you sinned out of your own weakness.

I was set free yesterday and for that I am so thankful. He opened up and showed me areas of my life that needs healing and forgiveness and surrendering...and completely cleansed my heart and life; every hidden sin He's taking away.

"Want to get rid of your guilt? Come clean with God." -Max Lucado

Surrender

2011-06-11T12:33:00.000+08:00

Freedom

2011-06-10T15:14:00.002+08:00

So my classes are finally over and everything is just done. I've got the weekend and the whole of next week to myself. What to do?

I went for the youth meeting at my church yesterday... it's been a while since I was actually in church. 2weeks to be exact. My bro unexpectedly wanted to go and asked me to go to. I didn't want to. Almost didn't but changed my mind at the last minute. God knows why. I was so tired but I don't regret going. I think maybe God wanted me there. It was way better than anything I thought it could be. God surprised me. I had the opportunity to really just get to know God and have this one to one time with Him and just to worship Him. Something I've not done in a while. The thought occurred to me, "God didn't abandon me; I just didn't seek Him." And last night, I got the chance to just be in the moment with Him and did not lose my focus on Him and I felt revived and refreshed. It was what I needed all along. Now I know and understand why you need a community...they help you regain your passion and fire for God every time it goes cold. God proved to be faithful to me yesterday and all I had to do was to be still. I'm still surprised at the way stuff turned out yesterday. Pentecost is something to look forward to and I've decided to spend my day with Jesus tomorrow; to learn all about Him and to worship Him. I don't want to think too much anymore. I'll just let God have His way. I'm way too tired for crap right now,I'm done.God never disappoints. I don't want to disappoint Him.

"I want to care for others like Jesus cares for me..." ♫

"To have found God and still to pursue His heart is the soul's paradox of true love."

~A.W.Tozer

I really love this song!

2011-06-09T15:40:00.000+08:00

Jet Lag

2011-06-08T20:19:00.001+08:00

This will be my last week of classes till my posting starts again the week after next for 10 weeks.I've got the whole week off next week. I've been trying my hardest not to skip classes at all since last week due to my lack of attendance which is nearing it's maximum limit. It really is tiring. haha. So thank God for next week. As happy as I am about it, I want time to stop so that I can just really savor every moment of this precious time because I know once it's gone,I'm never gonna get it back. I don't ever want to be so busy that I forget to live and just be happy. I don't want to lose myself in my work or studies too much that I forget what's really important.

I know I think alot. Hurt alot. Am probably the most sensitive person in the world. (Probably not) but the point is, I'm trying, not pretending and I really hope it makes all the difference in the world.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with it's mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. -Psalm 131:2

Not only my heart, but my mind and body is so jet lag right now.

Make the most out of today, tomorrow might never come. Tell the people that you love that you love them, don't wait and never ever stop trying. The moment you cease to try you cease to live. Make the best out of everything that comes your way and always be thankful. Appreciate everything you have. Do your best, let God take care of the rest.

Timing Is Everything

2011-06-07T19:49:00.000+08:00

Finding God

2011-06-07T17:37:00.004+08:00

I watched Eat, Pray Love. It made me think and reflect a lot. It’s not exactly the most exciting of movies but unless you can relate to it; and it means something to you then it’s worth watching because it’s all about self-discovery. Searching for and finding that right balance in life.

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

That put stuff in perspective for me; because it’s not easy to let go but unless you really really seek the truth and thirst for it with all your might; you might never find it. It takes courage to let go and go wherever the wind may take you. It takes courage searching for the more in life when you’re contented with what you have.I think I was dependent on miracles too much. It’s not really the dream but the hard work I’m afraid of. Have you ever felt like you’ve lived so many different lives when really you’ve only lived one? Sometimes I wonder how can a person as young as me, feel so old at the same time? I feel like as young as I am, I’ve experienced so much though I don’t think I’m actually old enough to say I’ve lived life. To be truthful I’m probably the only one among my peers to think as much as I do. To feel the things I feel and really just trying to find meaning and understanding out of things.

“If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in—God will rush in—and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed... Let it go”

I realize maybe the reason why it’s so quiet outside but so noisy inside is because I ignored myself. And the inner me was just trying so hard to reach me, to make me pay attention to just being me instead of focusing on the outside world for once. Today, I really just found me and talked to me. It was so peaceful. I found the hardest person to love and forgive was really just myself all along. It’s easier for me to understand others than it is to understand me or even pay attention to me. I need to learn love myself. Like really do it and pay attention to me instead of finding meaning elsewhere and forgetting being me and having some quiet time just for me.

“The only person you need to forgive is yourself. Everything else will fall into place.”

For so long I guess I sought God because I didn’t think I was strong enough to be independent. I needed someone to lean on because that was what children did and I had nobody. On the outside I may seem independent and strong but this is really me inside. Me being weak and totally dependent on God and maybe He was pushing me towards not being lazy or afraid anymore. To stand on my own two feet but trusting Him to guide the way, not carry me all the way through though He can because I am able.

“God dwells within me as me.”

I always saw God as a person apart from me. I didn’t see how he fitted with me but then that sentence really made sense to me but at the same time it didn’t .I didn’t understand how God was me. God wants me to be strong and courageous. Not empty and afraid. I made another new realization today too that sometimes you gotta work at it for miracles to happen. It doesn’t just fall from the sky which I always believed and hoped for. That sentence, it really just makes it easier to be independent doesn’t it? Because I always worried what God thought and if I was doing the right thing; and I really wanted to, to avoid making mistakes but making mistakes is a part of growing up right? I realize doing the right thing always requires sacrifice.As I was thinking over all this then it dawned to me.

“Have you seen God? No. Then why do you believe in Him so much?”

I guess being a Catholic, you don’t really see many passionate Catholics about church but I grew up with this hunger and thirst for God and really just knowing Him and doing the right thing and back then the only place where I really saw God alive were in other Christians who weren’t catholic and I just wanted to have that same zeal that they had for God. It was infectious and I just wish and wanted to be like that because it meant they found God but I found that I’m not really like that as much as I try. I just have a passion for the truth and I think that maybe Jesus is the only reliable truth that I know and believe in this world. Every known truth in the world is what people say it is and we believe them but how do we know if we don’t test or see them for ourselves? Take for example a rock. People call it a rock but why can’t it be a frog? Is the truth really the truth? Just because someone said it’s a rock doesn’t mean it is but we can never know, can we? Why is it called a rock in the first place? We just believe what we’re told; but I believe Jesus when He said He is the way the TRUTH and the life. He’s the only reliable truth I believe in because my heart just believes without being told to and I know God can be trusted. We need God. Plain and simple. We need to believe in Him because we need something reliable to hold on to. You can’t fathom God and you can’t see Him but believe He is there because He is. The whole world is evidence of His existence. Evidence of something bigger and greater than you and I. This mysterious God we cannot see.

Maybe God meant it that way. That we don’t see Him though we hear stories of people who do. Maybe each person goes through a whole different experience of finding God. Maybe instead of complicating our lives He really just wants to make it easier. Maybe it’s easier that I don’t see Him as much as I want to literally to help me believe in Him more. Maybe I don’t have to be this crazy Christian with this infectious overzealousness for God that people can see. Maybe by not seeing Him I actually LEARN to trust and love Him more as opposed to seeing Him and worrying about what He thinks all the time like whether or not I’m getting it right in my relationship with Him or with those around me. Maybe God wants me to do what fulfills me; what makes me happy and that in turn makes Him happy. I don’t have to worry about trying to please Him the whole time as long as I’m doing my best. Maybe I don’t need to see God to believe in Him. Maybe loving God is really just loving myself because He is in me and that means He is with me all the time. He literally walks with me because He’s in me. He’s me. Apart of who I am and maybe because of that I really can love the whole world. It’s not impossible. Maybe right now, I know what the right balance is already. You can’t never love God enough, however little or more because you owe Him the world and at the same time you can’t be too selfish and live only for yourself.

No matter how broken you are the only way to healing is to trust again. To believe in love again. God is love. “Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life.”

“Ruin is the road to transformation.”

EAT. PRAY. LOVE. My new motto in life. Takes on a whole different meaning now.

I think that the mysteries of life are really just dots waiting to be connected. I can only just stand in awe and amazement at all these mysteries that are unraveling before my eyes. Jesus, you amaze me.

I am a Christian

2011-06-07T17:17:00.003+08:00

When I say that 'I am a Christian', I am not shouting that 'I am clean living. I'm whispering 'I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride. I'm 
confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong. I'm 
professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on. 

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting 
I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws 
are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it. 

When I say 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain. I have my 
share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a 
simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow! 

by, Unknown

Living in the moment (Sweet Serenity)

2011-06-04T15:42:00.004+08:00

"You're the best decision I ever made, I just forgot." -17 again

I think Jesus really is the best decision I ever made but just tend to forget sometimes. Even after finding Him now, it's not exactly the easiest thing for me to do; to let go of all those silly little things that don't really matter. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Maybe I just tend to not take Him seriously enough sometimes until something really big or bad happens. I hate that sometimes I feel closer to God only when there's trouble. I want to feel Him close to me everyday whether or not things are good or bad. I just hate that I forget Him sometimes or do it deliberately. It makes me feel a little empty inside every time.

Sometimes I wish I could run and hide. Sometimes I wish I met that somebody who understood me. But then I realize I've been running half the time and the only person who truly understands is God.

"Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

You know it's really tiring chasing after the wind. You know it's there but you can't grasp it, only feel it. Maybe that's how it is with God's love.

I read this somewhere in the Daily Bread sometime ago...

"Do not keep looking back at your weaknesses, do not be afraid to make that attempt."

"I was full of hot,powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said, that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong instead." -EG

You know, I always thought I was strong until my weakness was displayed.It slipped out and I didn't know it was there. There goes the crack in my facade. I'm not really as strong as I look. People just dunno it. I am sometimes amazed at how quiet and serene it can be on the outside when inside all my thoughts and inner alarms are screaming at me.

Sometimes I just wanna forget.Sometimes I want to stare into space and not think anything. Sometimes I just want to be and live in the moment.

I just wanna sit down, staring at the sea with the wind blowing in my face.

Maybe I have all I ever needed right here, right now.

Twitter

2011-06-01T16:47:00.001+08:00

Follow me! Just recently made a new account!

http://twitter.com/#!/christindra

Overcoming Fears and Finding Love

2011-05-29T16:34:00.003+08:00

This story was taken off Paulo Cohelo's blog.

When I was travelling the road to Rome, one of the four sacred roads in my magical tradition, I realized, after almost twenty days spent entirely alone, that I was in a much worse state than when I had started.In my solitude, I began to have mean, nasty, ignoble feelings.

I sought out my guide to the road and told her about this. I said that when I had set out on that pilgrimage, I had thought I would grow closer to God, but that, after three weeks, I was feeling a great deal worse.

‘You are getting better, don’t worry,’ she said.
‘The fact is that when we turn on our inner light, the first thing we see are the cobwebs and the dust, our weak points.They were there already, it’s just that you couldn’t see them in the darkness. Now it will be much easier for you to clean out your soul.'

Now I understand better.

When I look back on my life now, I realize I've been afraid for so long. Afraid of so many things that I've never really lived life. I'm still afraid. Afraid of making mistakes.I came to this realization when my friend was teaching me how to play the guitar. Although I knew she was my friend and there was nothing to fear or be ashamed of in not playing the notes right,I found I couldn't. I paused for awhile as she watched me and that realization just struck me. I couldn't do it. Not with her watching. I wanted to be perfect and flawless. Although I understand better now what my fears are, overcoming them is gonna take time. The first step I guess is acknowledging your fear and understanding why and then working it out.

Life's not fair.It was hard to come to terms with that term especially when you're facing it and asking why? You just don't get it. I used to blame everybody, thinking myself the victim. For so long I felt rejected and unloved. Unwanted and unworthy.I felt like life wasn't fair to me.Everybody had everything while I didn't. I used to envy my friends for having what I did not and sometimes it was so easy for them to throw it all away while I would be thankful I had even just a little of what they had. I had you could say no self esteem really. I was always shy and never brave. I would analyze every little thing, not knowing how to be happy. Happiness to me was like a math equation. A puzzle I couldn't solve and had no logical answer to.

Eventually as I grew older, I found that LIFE'S NOT FAIR. That means shit happens but it's not your fault. It's just the way it is. How it's meant to be. The way life works.You don't question why because chances are you're not gonna get an answer but just know that that's just the way it is and you're gonna overcome them and become a stronger, wiser and more resilient person in the end. So it's pointless really to fight it. Just accept it as it is and become a better person from it. Acceptance is key. Something's you just can't change.

I was out for breakfast after church today with some girl friends and during our conversations they told me that they have more guy friends than girlfriends because for them it's just easier to talk to guys sometimes and sometimes some girls can be real (sorry to say) b**ches. I on the other hand, have more girl friends than guy friends. So what does that say about me? Does this mean I'm a keeper? lol. I don't really have many friends. Only a few close ones and all are girl friends. lol. Can I call people I hardly talk to friends when I barely know them? Someone once said, "Strangers are friends we do not yet know." I agree but as I tell my friends, I'm a social retard. I just dunno how to talk to people sometimes unless they talk to me. I guess I just dunno how to be friendly without appearing a fool in front of people I dunno. I guess I fear what they might think of me. I try to be real in front of people. Not put on fakes masks. I want people to see me for me and like me for me not who I portray. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say otherwise nothing at all. It's so easy for me to be the lovable nerd to my friends than to just be a nerd to people who dunno me at all. I'm not exactly a nerd but I'm pretty lame sometimes. Think of me as a female version of Ted, from how I met your mother. LOL.

I'm learning that I'm already healed. Jesus did that for me. All I have to do now is to step out in faith with Him with all my fears that taunt at me or worries that I have. I just need to trust Him more now and I need to stress that to myself and walk by faith with Him even when I don't understand why and believe and trust that God has a reason for it.

Most of my friends and the people I know are going through break ups and heartaches...and I for one, have never been in a relationship even though I've been in love and have had crushes. Everybody's telling me how they wish they were single and free like me and I guess in a way I should be thankful but sometimes I just don't get how some people can fall out love. I guess if you're falling out of love, you're just not with the right person. I don't think I've found my soul mate yet. Maybe I have. Who knows? It's always either the timing is wrong or the person is wrong.

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to get married. Be in love and loved in return and wanting just to share my life with that special someone with children of our own. That's the dream I guess. Haha. But lately I guess God's been steering me towards another direction. Towards being independent and self loving. It's not an easy road to walk for me. For so long, I've always thought that my self worth, depended on how much people liked me or how popular I was. I was always somehow different deep down. I never really fitted in. Even with my friends now. We're such an odd combination but I'm so glad to have found and met them in my life.

I've found that, if you really love someone, you accept them with their flaws and all. You believe in them and in the best that they could be. You give them the benefit of the doubt when it's so hard to trust them for the truth sometimes. That is the true nature of love. To love means to see the best in the people you love. I've believed in this for so long.

But in the world today, people take that for granted maybe that's why we have so many broken hearts in the world.

There's this stereotype that guys will be guys and girls will be girls.Have you ever been so broken from a relationship than you hear a friend say "MEN!They're all the same!".I think that's gender discriminative. I believe in loving a person as an individual and when I love someone, I want to love him for who he is and not think of him as, "MEN! They're all the same!." I want to love him for who is, flaws and all. So I think maybe that's why it's crucial you find someone you're compatible with but sometimes I guess it's impossible to put a finger on love. Heard the saying, You don't choose who you love? Or love at first sight? Sometimes you just love someone and not know why or how but it just happens.

As for me, I've found that once you really love someone, you don't really stop loving them. As the saying goes, you just learn to live without them. I realize you can't always follow your feelings. They're never right and always changing. If you really love somebody, if it isn't right you gotta let them go even though it hurts. You can't make people love you. I believe that at one point or another, when the time is right, you'll eventually meet your soul mate although not now. But of course, do something while your waiting and continue to believe that nothing is impossible if you place your life in God's hands.

Empty and Beautiful - Matt Maher

2011-05-29T11:56:00.002+08:00

Jesus you kept the faith in me...<3

Elizabeth Gilbert (eat,pray love)

2011-05-28T02:35:00.001+08:00

Man, I love her quotes because I can totally relate!

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

"To find the balance you want, this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have 4 legs instead of 2. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."

Missing You

2011-05-26T16:41:00.000+08:00

There's something missing in my life, I miss having you around but just because I miss you, doesn't mean I can't live without you.

Missing you is not something I wanna do
but thinking about you is something that comes naturally to me
Thoughts of you no longer own me but still they come without warning
I catch myself thinking of you with the slightest regret
How can someone so good, not be meant for me?
Or am I confusing my feelings with the truth?

I wish you would say something not just anything
But maybe your silence says it all
I don't hate you, I can't blame you
If anything I realize I have to stop looking back
and give you the benefit of the doubt
because you were not meant for me.

I go my own way now. Thank you for making me a wiser, stronger person.

Always say what you mean and mean what you say otherwise say nothing at all. I appreciate truth as it is being told to me. It's never easy to tell people how you really feel, so never take it for granted.

"Look into my eyes and break my heart with honesty instead, cos I don't want to cry I'd rather say goodbye, I can't take another lie..." Gareth Gates, Lies

Looking back

2011-05-25T19:57:00.000+08:00

I've grown so much. I have fears but I'm overcoming them one step at a time.If God wants me here, I believe He'll see me through it..I think that deep down, if we really just took the time to ponder and reflect everything through; we really have all the answers we need inside us and sometimes you just need to walk by faith.

I am grateful

2011-05-23T19:37:00.002+08:00

in my discovery, I chose to observe. In my observation, I begin to understand. In my understanding, I found compassion. From that compassion, I lived.

The thought occurred to me, even when He's late, God is always on time.